The Dallas Decoder Guide to the Ewing Oil Offices

John Ross (Josh Henderson) has stadium-sized ambitions, but can he run an office? (Photo credit: Zade Rosenthal/TNT)

Memorandum

To: John Ross Ewing III

From: Dallas Decoder

Re: Office space

Congratulations on leasing the old Ewing Oil office space! These are hallowed halls in American commerce; they’ll make a fine home for Ewing Energies, the joint venture you’ve formed with your cousin Christopher and true love Elena. Since those two became an item again (by the way: sorry about that, bro), you’ve probably been too distracted to think about getting your office up and running. Fear not. I have suggestions:

Will club soda get that out?

• Carpeting? Don’t bother. Since you’re a Ewing, you probably want to furnish your space with luxurious carpeting, right? Resist the urge. People have a tendency to get maimed in these offices: Your daddy J.R. was shot in the hallway, Uncle Bobby was gunned down while sitting at J.R.’s desk and a dead CIA agent was once left in a guest chair (long story). Since bloodshed is inevitable, skip the carpeting and put down tile. Not as fancy, but much easier to clean.

How about a deal on a package tour?

• Don’t chintz on the artwork. Take the money you’d spend on premium flooring and splurge on artwork instead. Frankly, this is an area where your daddy missed the mark. He hung cheap posters of Texas scenery on his office walls, giving the place a strip-mall travel agency vibe. Uncle Bobby was no better: His Southwestern decor made his office look like a Chili’s dining room. If those old furnishings are mothballed in the Southfork storage barn, leave them there.

Much better than talking to a wall

• Bring back Grandaddy Jock’s portrait. On the other hand, if the iconic portrait of your granddaddy Jock is in that storage barn, by all means retrieve it, restore it and display it in the most prominent place you can find. Not only will this make a fitting tribute to the giant who founded the original Ewing empire, it’ll also provide a nice backdrop for the inevitable soliloquies you’ll be delivering about heritage, legacies, birthrights, et cetera.

Blinds spot

• Two words: “venetian blinds.” If you’re anything like your daddy (and I think we’ve established you two have a lot in common), you’re probably going to be spending a lot of time staring out your office window, contemplating your next double-cross and/or act of revenge. So consider hanging some venetian blinds. They’ll help create an appropriately moody atmosphere, especially during those late nights when you Ewings tend to hatch your most fiendish schemes.

Does he ever knock?

• Lock your door! When your daddy worked out of these offices, angry people used to burst through his door at least once a day. Cliff Barnes, Uncle Bobby, Aunt Pam, various members of the cartel – they always blew in and threatened to “get back” at J.R. for some perceived slight or misdeed. Save yourself a lot of trouble and install a sturdy lock. Your secretary won’t have to play gatekeeper and and fewer uninvited guests mean fewer slammed doors.

Just file it away, honey

• Speaking of secretaries. … This is another area where your daddy had problems. Julie leaked his top-secret “red file” to Cliff, Louella ran off and got married, your Aunt Kristin – well, you better let J.R. tell you about her. Then there was Sly: She spied on your daddy for Cliff and formed an alliance against J.R. with your half-brother James. (Don’t remember him? Good.) So before you hire an assistant, get advice from Uncle Bobby. He knew how to pick ’em!

Talk about efficiency

• How about some bedding? Did J.R. ever tell you about Holly Goodhead, er, Harwood? She was a nice gal who inherited an oil company and didn’t have a clue how to run it, so J.R. kindly mentored her. (Swell guy, your dad!) Before long, Holly was running the company herself – out of her bedroom. As she told J.R., “As many oil deals are made in bedrooms as in boardrooms.” Since Ewings share this creed, why not put a bed next to your desk?

Knock it off, you two

• Maybe a boxing ring too? Look, everyone knows you and Christopher are going to butt heads at the office – just like your daddy and Uncle Bobby did back in the day. So if your building doesn’t already have its own fitness center, for goodness sakes, consider adding an exercise room, a yoga studio, something – anything – that will give you boys a place to blow off steam. Trust me: You’re going to need it.

What advice would you give John Ross about his workspace? Share your comments below and read more “Dallas Decoder Guides.”