Boys of summer

Planning a party this summer? If you want to host an affair your guests will never forget, follow these tips from the Ewings of “Dallas.”

Who’s he to disagree?

Grill, baby, grill. Backyard bashes are all about firing up the grill, but you know what else is fun? “Grilling” your guests. No one knew this better than cousin Jamie Ewing (Jenilee Harrison), who decided the 1986 Southfork barbecue was the ideal setting to quiz her husband Cliff (Ken Kercheval) about his scheme to snag her shares of Ewing Oil. “You know, Cliff Barnes, you are the sorriest excuse for a man that I have ever met!” Jamie exclaimed. J.R. (Larry Hagman), watching from the crowd, piped up: “Well, I’ll second that!” Of course, whatever you do, never allow your guests to grill you. When J.R. began selling cut-rate gasoline in 1982, Cliff, Jordan Lee and the other members of the cartel got together and stormed the Ewing barbecue to find out how long J.R. planned to undercut them. You knew things were getting ugly when Miss Ellie had to intercede and order the mob to “go home. Go home, all of you!” Poor Mama. I bet no one had a chance to sample her chili before the party broke up.

Slap shot

Don’t forget the fireworks. Are you planning your party on a budget? Instead of spending a fortune to hire a band or a DJ, be like the Ewings and entertain everyone by picking a fight with one of your guests. At the 1979 Ewing Rodeo, J.R. slapped his lawyer/protégé Alan Beam after J.R.’s sister-in-law/secretary/mistress Kristin claimed Alan insulted her. “I don’t know how you treat your women up north, but down here we respect them!” J.R. fumed. (Disclosure: J.R. and Alan’s fight was staged.) Later, at the 1984 Ewing Barbecue, Jamie spotted hot-to-trot Marilee Stone (Fern Fitzgerald) pawing J.R. near the Southfork swimming pool. Jamie confronted Marilee and compared her to a whore, which prompted Marilee to call Jamie a “filthy mouth brat” and slap her. Jamie responded by pushing Marilee into the water. J.R. was livid. “You’re not a Ewing, you’re a troublemaker!” he screamed. Oh, J.R.! Doesn’t he know that pushing someone into the pool is the best way for a Ewing to establish his or her bona fides?

Partied out?

Surprise! Parties are for surprises, but make sure they’re happy ones. This is something Bobby (Patrick Duffy) learned the hard way. At the 1978 Southfork barbecue, he happily announced Pam’s pregnancy, only to watch her suffer a miscarriage later that day. Four years later, the Ewings threw a barbecue to welcome Jock home from South America and to introduce him to his new grandson Christopher, whom Bobby and Pam had adopted during the old man’s absence. Unfortunately, Jock’s helicopter crashed en route to the party. Later, Bobby’s new pal Lisa Alden proved a real killjoy when she showed up with a lawyer at the 1987 barbecue and revealed she was: a) the sister of Christopher’s biological father, Jeff Farraday; and b) suing Bobby for custody of the boy. Bobby’s bad luck continues: The 2012 Southfork barbecue was ruined when his new daughter-in-law “Rebecca” confessed she and her brother Tommy were scamming the Ewings. Geez, no wonder Bobby didn’t host a barbecue this year.

Master of the game

Get your game on. No summertime celebration is complete without games, whether it’s a few rounds of croquet, horseshoes or simply tossing around a Frisbee. You know what else is fun? Playing mind games with your no-good, cheating louse of a spouse. For this lesson, we have Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) to thank. She spent the 1979 Ewing Rodeo flirting with handsome cowboy Dusty Farlow, mostly to get J.R.’s goat. Six years later, when J.R.’s latest mistress Mandy Winger showed up at the Ewing Rodeo, Sue Ellen pulled her aside and urged her to dump J.R., although Mandy wasn’t interested in this advice. (Sue Ellen’s memorable retort: “Isn’t it strange how the mistress always thinks she’s smarter than the wife? If she’s so smart, why is she the mistress?”) Later, when Sue Ellen discovered J.R. was cheating with Kimberly Cryder, she invited her to the 1987 Ewing Barbecue and pretended everything was hunky-dory. J.R. didn’t know what to make of his wife’s odd behavior — which is exactly how Sue Ellen liked it.

Digger on the trigger

Remember: Safety first. Are there people in your life who are trying to kill you? If so, you should probably do something about that. Frankly, this is something the Ewings never quite grasped. People were always showing up at their shindigs looking to inflict bodily harm upon them or their guests. It began in 1951, when Digger Barnes (David Grant) turned up at a Southfork barbecue and pulled a gun on Jock. History repeated itself when crazy old coot Dandy Dandridge crashed the 1987 Ewing Barbecue and tried to shoot Cliff. Perhaps the most tragic safety violation occurred when Lucy and Mickey Trotter had a cookout on the Southfork patio while J.R. and a drunken Sue Ellen were fighting in the living room. Sue Ellen grabbed J.R.’s keys and took off in his Mercedes; Lucy ordered Mickey to jump into the car to try to stop her, which he did, only to suffer massive injuries when the vehicle was struck by J.R.’s revenge-seeking enemy Walt Driscoll. On second thought, maybe the real lesson here is this: Never take orders from Lucy Ewing!

He started young

Summer is for loving. Parties are good places to make a love connection, which is something the Ewings know all about. Southfork soirees have seen J.R. flirting with country singer Garnet McGee, oil heiress Holly Harwood flirting with Bobby, and Lucy flirting with camp counselor Peter Richards. The barn is an especially popular spot for a romantic rendezvous: Lucy went there with Jimmy Monahan, Pam and Cliff’s cousin, while Sue Ellen went to the barn with both Peter and Dusty (although not at the same time, thank goodness). But you know who macks the most at Ewing parties? Little John Ross. At the 1983 barbecue, he sidled up to Charlie Wade to see if she would come with him to get a hot dog. Four years later, he was still chasing Charlie, this time hoping she’d take a break from the barbecue to go riding with him. Flash forward to 2012, when on-again, off-again lovers John Ross and Elena (Josh Henderson, Jordana Brewster) rekindled their flame at — where else? — a Southfork cookout.

Heel, honey

Dress to impress. Every host wants to make a good impression on his or her guests, so when choosing an outfit for your party, be sure to pick the most impractical clothing you can get your hands on. If you’re a Ewing man, this usually means wearing cowboy boots, dark denim jeans, a vest (preferably heavy leather) and a light colored, long-sleeved western shirt that will show off every ounce of perspiration your body produces under the blazing Texas sun. (Rose-colored sunglasses are also a must, but only if you’re J.R.) Ewing women prefer knee-high boots, long dresses and tight, upswept hairdos that won’t move an inch, no matter how hard the mighty Texas wind blows. (Also: When it comes to turquoise jewelry, there’s no such thing as too much.) Of course, if you’re a Ewing woman and you’re hosting a pool party, you’re allowed to wear a bathing suit — and the more revealing the better. Just make sure you pair your teeny bikini with the highest heels you can find. Ewing women never go to the pool without their heels. Never.

Stone cold

Stay cool! With all this fightin’, feudin’ and flirtin’, your guests are bound to work up a sweat. So if you have a pool, by all means open that sucker and let everyone in. It really is the best way to help your guests cool off. Just ask Marilee.

What have the Ewings taught you about summertime entertaining? Share your comments below and read more “Dallas Decoder Guides.”

Another reunion

Valene Ewing (Joan Van Ark) will be reunited with her in-laws in “Ewings Unite!,” tonight’s episode of TNT’s “Dallas.” Val appeared occasionally on the original “Dallas” and was the heroine of its “Knots Landing” spinoff, but how much do you remember about her? Here’s a refresher.

There goes the neighborhood

Val loves Gary. Val was waitressing in a diner when handsome Gary Ewing (Ted Shackelford) walked in and sat down. “What will it be?” Val asked him. Gary’s response: “I don’t know. What does a man in love eat for lunch?” It was a cute beginning for what became television’s most tortured love story. During the next half-century, Val and Gary had three weddings, three children and more crises than you can count, including alcoholism (his), multiple personality disorder (hers) and staged deaths (theirs). Now the couple faces one of their greatest challenges yet: Sue Ellen’s flirtation with Gary!

And teddy makes three

All her children. Val and Gary are the parents of Lucy (Charlene Tilton), whom Jock and Miss Ellie raised after J.R. drove Val and Gary away from Southfork. Lucy grew up angry with her parents for abandoning her, but the family reconciled after a few therapeutic splashes in the Southern California surf. Meanwhile, Val and Gary went on to have two more kids: twins Bobby and Betsy, although for awhile they were kidnapped and Val believed they were dead. Hey, that gives her something in common with her new sister-in-law Ann Ewing. They should share a muffin sometime.

Mr. Dreamy

Val’s favorite brother-in-law: Bobby. Oh, Bobby! Dear, sweet Bobby (Patrick Duffy). Val could always count on him. When she was estranged from Lucy, who arranged a mother/daughter reconciliation? Bobby, of course. He also reunited Val and Gary, discovered the house on Seaview Circle that became their home and rode to Val’s rescue when she had a cancer scare. Is it any wonder Val always seemed to look at Bobby with dreamy eyes? Hey, if Sue Ellen can have a fling with Gary, why can’t Val get a little something going on with Bobby? On second thought, cancel that muffin with Ann.

Mr. Nightmare

Least favorite brother-in-law? Take a guess. Val was always one of the kindest, most pure-hearted members of the Ewing family – except where J.R. (Larry Hagman) was concerned. Over the years, she called him “disgusting,” “a troublemaker” and “a vile, evil man.” J.R. declared she was a “tramp,” “a wimp,” and “southern trash.” You weren’t really surprised that Val skipped his funeral, were you? Remember what she told Gary in 1980, after finding out that J.R. had been shot: “If J.R. was dead, I honestly couldn’t mourn him.” Harsh? Perhaps, but at least it shows Val is a woman of her word.

That’s not a gun, is it?

Aiding and comforting the enemy. After Kristin (Mary Crosby) shot him, J.R. exiled her to California, where she wound up on Gary and Val’s doorstep. Val allowed Kristin to stay with them despite Gary’s objections, which turned out to be perfectly justified. Within days of her arrival, Kristin wrecked the marriage of neighbors Kenny and Ginger Ward. When Val confronted her, Kristin confessed that she was pregnant and scared, although she didn’t reveal that the child was J.R.’s. It was a reminder of what makes Val so special: Only as someone as nice as Val could get someone as devious as Kristin to reveal her softer side.

Author! Author!

The original gossip girl. Val wasn’t just television’s first desperate housewife, she was also its original gossip girl. She wrote a novel inspired by the Ewings called “Capricorn Crude,” although J.R. struggled to get the title right. Here’s J.R. meeting Joe Cooper, Val’s editor: “You know, there’s been rumors flying all around Dallas about a book called ‘Corn Crude’ or ‘Crude Porn’ or ‘Corn Pone.’” Joe: “‘Capricorn Crude.’” J.R.: “Yeah, that’s it!” When J.R. declared he was “tickled” about Val’s literary success, he wasn’t kidding. He bought the publishing company – not to shut down the book, but to reap the profits.

Step off, bitch

Val always gets her man. Here’s the most important thing you need to know about Val: She always triumphs over husband-stealing hussies. Yeah, Abby Cunningham (Donna Mills) snagged Gary – but only for a little while. He came back to Val eventually, didn’t he? The same thing happened after his relationships with every woman in his life, including Jill Bennett, Kate Whittaker and “Sally’s friend” (long story). And don’t forget about Ciji Dunne! When she got too close to Gary, Val pushed her so hard she hit her head on a coffee table and was knocked out. In other words: Watch your back, Sue Ellen!

What do you remember about Valene Ewing? Share your comments below and read more “Dallas Decoder Guides.”