Watch and love

What’s that, you say? You’re not watching the new season of “Dallas”? Well, put down that bottle of stupid pills and listen up. Here are 15 excellent reasons to start tuning in to the series, which TNT shows every Monday night.

Snow’s the boss

15. Judith Ryland is nuts. Remember Angela Bower, Light’s sensible, self-controlled character on “Who’s the Boss?” Well, go ahead and put that performance out of your mind because Angela is nothing like Judith Ryland, the coke-snortin’, drug-traffickin’, truth-bomb-droppin’, cane-thumpin’ control freak Light plays on “Dallas.” Judith is the most wicked and unpredictable character on television today. What will crazy lady do next? I have no clue, but I can’t wait to find out.

Delicious

14. Di Pace = Divine. So the Ewings are sitting around their boardroom, being Ewings, when all of a sudden some dude named “Nicolas Treviño” waltzes in and starts bossing everyone around. Who is Nicolas? Who cares! What matters is that he’s played by Juan Pablo Di Pace, who is absolutely delectable. I mean, look at this guy. How is he even real? Di Pace is suave, charming and so far, he’s had sexual chemistry with virtually everyone he’s had a scene with. Don’t you want to be there when Judith meets him?

Watch and learn

13. You can learn stuff. Did you know that in Texas, a company can’t unload a major division unless a “supermajority” of its shareholders approve the sale? Or that sometimes oil-rich “shale formations” can rise within a property’s “surface rights”? I know both things are true because “Dallas” tells me so. I’ll confess: I’m sometimes dubious of the veracity of the legal and technical mumbo-jumbo these characters spout, but it mostly checks out. So do your brain a favor and start watching. You’ll be entertained and enlightened.

Bum in the night

12. Bum. You know what’s really cool about “Dallas” this season? Kevin Page is being featured more prominently than ever. His character, Steve “Bum” Jones, will go down in TV history as the last guy to shoot J.R., but Page’s greatest contribution to the show might be the way Bum has become John Ross’s conscience. And am I the only one who’s noticed Page’s off-the-charts chemistry with Linda Gray? He’s now a vital part of “Dallas.” Here’s hoping Bum gets bumped up to a series regular soon.

Perfection

11. Jesse Metcalfe has a beard now. I know what you’re thinking: Metcalfe has such a nice face, why cover it up? I felt that way when I heard about the beard too. But then I saw it and oh my goodness it’s the best beard in the history of facial hair. (Yours is nice too, Mr. Pileggi.) I mean, take a look at that thing. What’s not to love? The sad part is the beard is going to go away midseason, but that’s still a good a reason to watch the show. Let’s all savor every second of Christopher’s scruff before he shaves it off.

Total. Badass.

10. Bobby Ewing is still pissed! Remember when Bobby screamed at Ann before J.R.’s funeral last season? Well, Patrick Duffy continues to bring an edge to his character this year. Who didn’t love Bobby’s recent “stupid pills” quip, or how he always looks like he wants to throttle John Ross? There’s also this: Duffy’s portion of “Dallas’s” new opening credits feature last year’s scene in which Bobby did that badass, “Reservoir Dogs”-style slow-mo walk. Now we get to relive it each week!

Feel the love

9. Brenda Strong is awesome. We love Ann Ewing. We love how she stands by Bobby, how she embraces the Ewings for all their Ewing-ness, how she never seems to regret that one time she tried to kill Harris. That’s what makes Strong such an amazing actress. No matter what the script calls for, she never let us lose sight of her character’s humanity — even when Ann grabs her gun and starts shooting people. And isn’t it cool that Patrick Duffy finally has a leading lady who can look him in the eye?

Spy in the house

8. Elena Ramos is a sneaky bitch. Did you watch the first two seasons of TNT’s “Dallas”? Remember how Jordana Brewster’s character never had much to do? Yeah, well, those days are over. Elena found out J.R. Ewing screwed over her daddy and now she’s joined forces with Cliff Barnes to secretly plot against the rest of the Ewings. Does it make sense? No, but Brewster is such a good actress, she makes it all seem perfectly reasonable. Isn’t it great to see her get a juicy storyline to sink her teeth into?

So good at being bad

7. Emma Ryland is a naughty bitch. Look, I love my bitches, OK? One of my all-time favorite “Dallas” characters is Mary Crosby’s Kristin Shepard, the shrew who shot J.R. The old show killed off Crosby waaay too soon, but now that we have Emma Bell slinking around Southfork, it’s almost like Kristin’s back. Bell’s character, shameless Emma Ryland, is an oversexed vixen who can’t keep her hands off John Ross. (Blame her?) It doesn’t hurt that Bell is also a terrific actress. No one does bad better.

We’re not worthy

6. Julie Gonzalo is fabulous. Is there a more fascinating young heroine on television today than Pamela Barnes Ewing? The answer is no, there is not. Every season, Gonzalo unravels new layers of her character; she’s played Pamela as a sweet-as-spun-sugar ingénue, a corporate tigress, a devastated daughter, and now a suspicious bride. Gonzalo’s talents know no bounds, and even though I’m a gay man, I’m kind of in love with her. (It’s cool, though, because my partner loves her too.) All hail Queen Julie!

This stud’s for us

5. Ryland, Harris Ryland. Mitch Pileggi may be best known as Skinner on “The X Files,” but is there any doubt Harris Ryland is the role he was born to play? Pileggi brings a wicked, Hagman-esque gleefulness to his “Dallas” performances; he’s so damned charismatic, you can’t help but root for Harris, no matter how mean he is to the Ewings. This character is constantly keeping us on our toes — now that we know he’s CIA, should we trust him? — but one thing is certain: Pileggi is a total stud.

Dressed to thrill

4. This is the best-dressed cast on TV. One of “Dallas’s” biggest stars works behind the camera: Rachel Sage Kunin, the show’s insanely gifted costume designer. In every scene of every episode, Kunin somehow chooses the absolute perfect look for each character. One example: Heather’s sexy dress/cowgirl boots combo, which showed how the character was both tough and feminine. Kunin isn’t just the show’s wardrobe chief; she’s a storyteller in her own right — and a hugely talented one at that.

Always our darlin’

3. Sue Ellen is drunk again. Hold on, darlins. I’m not celebrating the fact our beloved heroine has fallen off the wagon. OK, I guess I am celebrating it, but only because I know Sue Ellen’s road back to sobriety is going to be a blockbuster television — and that means we’re going to be treated to another knockout performance from Linda Gray. As phenomenal as she was last year, my gut tells me Gray is going to be even more spectacular this season. Who knew such a thing was even possible?

The son also rises

2. This guy. Oh, Josh Henderson. Where do I even begin with you? You impress the hell out of me. Your performance honors both of your TV parents: In your capable hands, John Ross is as ambitious as J.R. and as sensitive as Sue Ellen. You’re also a brilliant foil for Uncle Bobby and Cousin Christopher and the perfect match for Pamela. And then there’s that smile of yours, which is sweet, sly and oh-so-sexy — all at once. Is John Ross now one of the best reasons to watch “Dallas”? Damn skippy, he is.

Do it for him

1. This guy too. No one loved a good time more than Larry Hagman, the great actor who brought J.R. Ewing to life. If Mr. Hagman were still here, I have a feeling he’d love how much fun TNT’s “Dallas” has become. Everyone involved in creating the show — the writers, the directors, the actors, the crew — is making Mr. Hagman proud by churning out the most consistently entertaining hour of television, week after week. Now it’s time for the audience to do its part by watching and enjoying the show!

What do you love about “Dallas’s” third season? Share your comments below and read more “Dal-Lists.”