The Dallas Decoder Guide to Household Safety

Bobby Ewing, Christopher Ewing, Dallas, Jesse Metcalfe, Patrick Duffy, TNT, Where There's Smoke

Here they go again

No one should be surprised to see Southfork go up in flames in “Where There’s Smoke,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode. The Ewings aren’t exactly the poster family for exercising care and caution around the house, are they? Here’s a look at the everyday, common sense practices they routinely ignore.

B.D. Calhoun, Dallas, Hunter von Leer, J.R. Ewing, Larry Hagman

Don’t hit the snooze button

Lock your doors. It sounds so simple, and yet the Ewings never seem to grasp the importance of this one. When B.D. Calhoun (Hunter von Leer) tried to kill J.R., did he swarm Southfork with his band of gun-toting mercenaries-for-hire? Nope. Calhoun simply walked into the house in the middle of the night, climbed the stairs, slipped into J.R.’s room and left a ticking time bomb on the nightstand. Several years later, when Vicente Cano decided to hold the Ewings hostage in their living room, he too waltzed in through the front door. Sheesh! Look, Southfork doesn’t have that many entrances. Is it that hard to remember to lock them?

Dallas, J.R. Ewing, Larry Hagman

Looks right at home

Avoid fires. We can all agree open flames inside a home are almost never a good idea, right? So could someone please explain why J.R. (Larry Hagman) had all those candles burning at Southfork on the night Ray showed up to confront him over Mickey Trotter’s accident? I mean, it’s not like J.R. was trying to set a romantic mood for Sue Ellen, who was passed out drunk upstairs. Anyhow, J.R. and Ray got into a huge fistfight, the candles went crashing to the floor and before you knew it, the house was ablaze. Everyone escaped unharmed, although poor John Ross was so traumatized, he emerged from the tragedy looking like a different kid.

Alexis Smith, Dallas, Jessica Montfort, J.R. Ewing, Larry Hagman

Nuts for breakfast

Know your houseguests. Is there a polite way to ask potential guests if they have a history of mental health issues? If so, please pass this tip along to the Ewings, who are constantly offering room and board to people who belong in an insane asylum, not the spare bedroom at Southfork. Over the years, the Ewings’ overnight guests have included Jessica Montfort (Alexis Smith), who ended up kidnapping Miss Ellie and stuffing her in the trunk of her car; sex-crazed drug dealer Tommy McKay, who practically tried to rape April Stevens in John Ross’s bed; and that dreadful Cousin Jamie, who wasn’t crazy but drove everyone else bonkers.

Dallas, Donna Culver Krebbs, Ray Krebbs, Steve Kanaly, Susan Howard

Oh, Donna

Don’t provoke the animals. Oh, look. Here’s dear, pregnant Pam, who gets in accidents the way other people catch colds. Pam can’t find her husband Bobby, so she’s decided to ride her horse out to the barn to look for him. Pam, given your condition, are you sure that’s a good idea? Oops, too late: Pam fell off the horse. Oh, no. What’s happening now? Is our buddy Ray (Steve Kanaly) trying to introduce his pregnant wife Donna (Susan Howard) to one of the Southfork bulls? Ray, given your wife’s condition, are you sure that’s a good idea? Oops, too late: The bull got spooked and tried to charge Donna, who’s been knocked out cold. Sigh.

Bobby Ewing, Dallas, Patrick Duffy, Ray Krebbs, Steve Kanaly

Ka-booom!

Be a good neighbor. When you have a dispute with a neighbor, do you try to resolve it by talking things out? If so, you’re nothing like the Ewings, whose preferred approach to conflict resolution is to start blowing stuff up. Just ask Carter McKay. After he bought the ranch next to Southfork and got into a spat with the Ewings over water rights, they responded by stuffing McKay’s dam full of dynamite and blasting it to smithereens. This led to a war between the McKays and the Ewings — no, seriously, both families hired their own armies — which is surely a violation of the Braddock homeowners’ association bylaws.

Charlene Tilton, Dallas, Linda Gray, Lucy Ewing, Ray Krebbs, Sue Ellen Ewing, Steve Kanaly

Not now, Lucy

Beware of heights. Elevated spaces can be dangerous. We all know this, right? So why can’t the Ewings and their friends steer clear of them? Klutzy Pam fell from the hayloft — and suffered a miscarriage, no less. Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) and Clayton each tumbled down the stairs — although not at the same time, thank goodness. And when a couple of renegade oil barons began chasing secretary Julie Grey, she went to the roof of her building because … well, why not? Then there’s poor Kristin, who figured the Southfork balcony was the perfect place to try to blackmail the man she once pumped full of lead. We all know how well that turned out.

Christopher Ewing, Dallas, Joshua Harris

Killer fashions

Protect the kids. Do you see the tragedy that’s about to unfold in this picture? I’m not referring to the fact that little Christopher (Joshua Harris) is pulling Bobby’s gun out of the bedroom closet so he can play with it. Ewings love guns; that’s just a fact of life and nothing will ever change it. No, I’m talking about that L.A. Gear shoebox. Does this mean Pam wore L.A. Gears, the gaudiest sneakers known to man? You don’t suppose they were neon pink high-tops, do you? Look, I don’t care if it was the ’80s; how could Pam subject her family to those ugly shoes? For goodness sake, Pam, think of the children!

Bobby Ewing, Cliff Barnes, Dallas, J.R. Ewing, Ken Kercheval, Larry Hagman, Patrick Duffy

Way to make a splash

Don’t go near the water. You know what swimming pools are for? Swimming. They’re not the place to settle scores with Cliff Barnes (Ken Kercheval) and they’re not the place to work out Ewing Oil business disputes. Of course, just try telling this to the Ewings, who are constantly shoving their enemies — and each other — into the Southfork pool. Everyone gets dunked — fully clothed and against their will — at one point or another. Or at least that’s what used to happen on “Dallas.” This might be the one area of household safety where the Ewings have learned their lesson, which is kind of a shame. I mean, where’s the fun in that?

Bobby Ewing, Dallas, Patrick Duffy

What have they done now?

Get some insurance. Maybe the reason the Ewings aren’t more careful around the house is because they’ve got the best insurance policy ever: Bobby (Patrick Duffy). No matter what mishaps befall these people, they know good ol’ Bob will save the day. Southfork catches fire? Bobby will come along in the nick of time to make sure everyone gets out alive. Range war with McKay? Bobby will go Chuck Norris on his ass and single-handedly disarm his militia. That termite Cliff starts a pool fight? Well, Bobby won’t break up the scuffle, but he’ll make damn sure Barnes gets the beating he deserves. Bobby, this is why we love you. Never leave us, OK?

What have the Ewings taught you about household safety? Share your comments below and read more “Dallas Decoder Guides.”

Dallas Burning Questions: Season 3, Week 6

Dallas, Emma Bell, Emma Ryland, Like Father Like Son, TNT

In control?

Here are the questions we’re pondering as we await tonight’s telecast of “Like Father, Like Son,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode:

• How will John Ross strike back against Sue Ellen and Bobby? In “D.T.R.,” last week’s episode, Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) blackmailed Governor McConaughey (Steven Weber) into replacing the corrupt railroad commissioner Stanley Babcock (Currie Graham) with a new appointee: Bobby (Patrick Duffy), who now has the power to revoke John Ross’s Southfork drilling permit. John Ross (Josh Henderson) was furious and vowed to “blow right past” any roadblock Bobby puts in his way. John Ross, realizing Sue Ellen’s role in putting Bobby on the commission, also left his mother a nasty voice mail message, saying, “Now I know I’ve got another enemy I’ve got to look out for. I ain’t going to forget this.” What will John Ross do?

• When will the Rylands strike back against John Ross? Emma (Emma Bell) used incriminating evidence from Harris’s files to blackmail Judith (Judith Light) into giving John Ross access to the Ryland ships for his Arctic drilling venture. Judith wasn’t happy and expressed her frustration to Harris (Mitch Pileggi), telling him it’s time to break up John Ross and Emma. Harris assured his mother that Candace (Jude Demorest), the prostitute posing as John Ross’s secretary, is still laying the groundwork to frame John Ross for a sex crime. Will this be the week Candace puts her plan in motion?

• What’s next for Emma — and her parents? When Ann (Brenda Strong) saw John Ross coming out of Emma’s bedroom, she got into a fight with Emma and kicked her off Southfork. Ann immediately regretted the decision and turned to Harris, who blackmailed CIA agent George Tatangelo (Gino Anthony Pesi) into giving his family extra protection. Eventually, Emma came home and assured Ann she had stopped seeing John Ross, but Ann told Harris she isn’t sure if she believes their daughter. How long can Emma continue to deceive Ann — and will Ann and Harris continue to soften toward each other?

• What will Elena and Nicolas do with their clue? After Cliff (Ken Kercheval) called Pamela (Julie Gonzalo) and failed to mend fences with her, he urged Elena and Nicolas (Jordana Brewster, Juan Pablo Di Pace) to turn his daughter against John Ross. Meanwhile, Nicolas examined J.R.’s autopsy photos and noticed an unusual incision on his chest. Could this be a sign J.R. was receiving chemotherapy before he died, and if so, will Elena and Nicolas finally figure out he arranged his own “murder” and framed Cliff for the crime?

• What’s next for Christopher and Heather? As Christopher and Heather (Jesse Metcalfe, AnnaLynne McCord) grew closer, he learned her secret: She was once married to ranch-hand-turned-roughneck Bo (Donny Boaz) and the two of them have a young son, Michael. Christopher and the boy bonded over their mutual love of Transformers, but Bo didn’t seem very enthused about the idea that his ex-wife is dating a Ewing. Will he cause trouble for Christopher and Heather?

What “Dallas Burning Questions” are on your mind? Share your comments below and watch TNT’s “Dallas” tonight.

Critique: TNT’s ‘Dallas’ Episode 30 — ‘D.T.R.’

Dallas, D.T.R., Linda Gray, Sue Ellen Ewing, TNT

Woman of the hour

Let’s get this out of the way first: “D.T.R.” stands for “define the relationship,” as Christopher’s new girlfriend Heather helpfully explains in the scene where they get to know each other better in the bar. I wasn’t familiar with the expression until recently and neither were a lot of “Dallas” fans, judging by the reactions I’m seeing on Twitter. But no matter. This episode is really about the “Dallas” characters trying to dominate their relationships. Everyone is vying for control of everyone else, demonstrating once again that the real commodity on this show is power, not oil.

At the center of it all is Sue Ellen, a woman who spent years struggling to take charge of her own life. Now she’s trying to reign in John Ross, not just because he’s beginning to remind her of J.R., but also because he’s beginning to remind her of herself. Sue Ellen sees her son becoming addicted to feeding his own ego, just like she’s hooked on the booze inside her flask. This point is underscored in the scene where she tells John Ross that he’s being “reckless” by cheating on Pamela. Sue Ellen might as well be describing the person she used to be, during her own self-destructive phase, before she became the much more functional alcoholic we see today.

John Ross ends this scene by accusing his mother of taking out on him her lingering anger toward J.R. “Guess what, Mama? I’m not J.R.,” he says. These are surprising words coming from a young man who struts around wearing Daddy’s wristwatch and belt buckle, but they show how John Ross has picked up another one of Sue Ellen’s old habits: her penchant for denying the truth. Indeed, what fascinates me most about John Ross and Sue Ellen’s relationship this season is how they’re both borrowing different pages from J.R.’s playbook in their quest for the upper hand in their relationship. In the previous episode, John Ross showed he could treat Sue Ellen as cruelly as J.R. once did; in “D.T.R.,” Sue Ellen blackmails McConaughey in a bid to undermine her son. J.R. Ewing lives on through the people he loved most.

But even without these allusions to our hero, Sue Ellen and John Ross’s storyline is absorbing and effective. Much of this has to do with Linda Gray and Josh Henderson, who do remarkable work in “D.T.R.” Gray enlivens every scene she’s in through the sheer force of her presence; it’s become cliché to say she lights up the screen each time she appears, but I can think of no better way to describe what she brings to this show. Henderson, in the meantime, is nothing less than outstanding: In his hands, John Ross has become dark and dangerous. It doesn’t hurt that both actors receive wonderful material from scriptwriter Aaron Allen, who helps make the characters feel real and knowable. Strip away all the references to “fracking” and the “Arctic play” and it’s easy to see this is the story of a mother trying to save her son from himself.

Allen — who also wrote “Let Me In,” the episode where Harris stifles Emma’s bid for independence — uses “D.T.R.” to return to the power struggles within the Ryland family too. As John Ross points out, Emma is supposed to control Judith, who is supposed to control Harris, although it’s hard to figure out who really runs the show. Here’s what I find most interesting about these characters: As deceptive as they are, they use the truth to emotionally bludgeon each other. In “D.T.R.,” when Ann declares her “role” at Southfork is to care for her loved ones, Emma reminds her mother that she “lied to her husband about my very existence.” It’s harsh, but is it inaccurate? Similarly, in the tense scene where Judith and Emma haggle over Harris’s files, is Judith wrong when she tells Emma that she “degrades” herself by sleeping around?

The Rylands always give us plenty to ponder, but there’s no questioning the quality of the actors’ performances. Judith Light makes it clear Judith loves her rebellious granddaughter, while Emma Bell never lets us forget her character has vulnerabilities, no matter how wicked she behaves. I also love Brenda Strong, who knocks me out in the scene where Ann angrily kicks Emma off Southfork, although she’s equally good when Ann warily welcomes her daughter home. It’s also nice to see Steven Weber take another turn as the slick Governor McConaughey, as well as Todd Terry, who returns as hapless State’s Attorney Peter Bedford, one of the last people to have the honor of being blackmailed by J.R. Ewing. Speaking of J.R.’s victims: The “D.T.R.” scene where Cliff calls Pamela and tries to mend fences with her restores a shred of humanity to the character, but I mostly love the scene because it allows Ken Kercheval to revive his mantra from the second season: “I did not kill J.R.!”

There’s much more to like about “D.T.R.,” especially where Patrick Duffy is concerned. I love how cinematographer Rodney Charters, who doubles as this episode’s director, gives us a shot of solemn, solitary Bobby on horseback watching the smug John Ross inspect the Southfork drill site. It makes Bobby’s end-of-the-episode speech about upholding the Southworth traditions that much more poignant. It’s also a kick to see Bobby and Sue Ellen in the back of the van, eavesdropping on McConaughey, as well as the big reveal at the press conference, when Bobby steps forward as the new railroad commissioner. (Between this scene and the one in “Playing Chicken” where Bobby steps out of Rhonda’s car, Duffy is becoming “Dallas’s” master of the grand entrance.)

“D.T.R.’s” use of the J.R. Ewing Bourbon bottle is also inspired: The revelation that the cork is bugged is the third season’s best twist yet, but I also love how the bottle practically becomes a stand-in for J.R. himself. Gray has a Hagman-esque twinkle in her eye when Sue Ellen gives the bourbon to McConaughey at the top of the hour and reminds him that “good blackmail never sours.” The twinkle is there at the end of the episode too, when Sue Ellen reveals the dirt on McConaughey and he slides the bottles across his desk toward her and says, “This is why politicians should never accept gifts — especially gifts with J.R.’s name on them.”

The only thing missing from this scene is seeing J.R.’s smile, although I must say: Sue Ellen’s sly grin is pretty wonderful too. Of course, that’s always been true, hasn’t it?

Grade: A

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Bobby Ewing, Dallas, D.T.R., Patrick Duffy

The steward

‘D.T.R.’

Season 3, Episode 5

Telecast: March 24, 2014

Audience: 1.79 million viewers on March 24

Writer: Aaron Allen

Director: Rodney Charters

Synopsis: Sue Ellen blackmails McConaughey into removing Babcock from the Railroad Commission and replacing him with Bobby. Emma blackmails Judith into giving John Ross access to Ryland Transport’s ships and tells him she wants a piece of the Arctic drilling venture. Harris blackmails the CIA into giving his family extra protection. Cliff urges Elena and Nicolas to turns John Ross against Pamela, and when Nicolas examines photographs of J.R.’s autopsy, he notices an unusual incision on his chest. Christopher learns Heather is divorced from Bo and that they have a young son, Michael.

Cast: Amber Bartlett (Jill), Emma Bell (Emma Ryland), Donny Boaz (Bo McCabe), Jordana Brewster (Elena Ramos), Candace (Jude Demorest), Juan Pablo Di Pace (Nicolas Treviño), Patrick Duffy (Bobby Ewing), Julie Gonzalo (Pamela Ewing), Linda Gray (Sue Ellen Ewing), Josh Henderson (John Ross Ewing), Ken Kercheval (Cliff Barnes), AnnaLynne McCord (Heather McCabe), Jesse Metcalfe (Christopher Ewing), Gino Anthony Pesi (George Tatangelo), Mitch Pileggi (Harris Ryland), Brenda Strong (Ann Ewing), Todd Terry (State’s Attorney Peter Bedford), Steven Weber (Governor Sam McConaughey)

“D.T.R.” is available at DallasTNT.com, Amazon.com and iTunes. Watch the episode and share your comments below.

TNT’s Dallas Recap: ‘D.T.R.’

Bobby Ewing, Dallas, D.T.R., Linda Gray, Patrick Duffy, Sue Ellen Ewing, TNT

Ewings united

Here’s what happened in “D.T.R.,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode:

• Sue Ellen struck back (part 1): Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) visited Governor McConaughey (Steven Weber) and gave him a bottle of J.R. Ewing Bourbon, hoping it would persuade him to replace Stanley Babcock, the corrupt railroad commissioner, with an appointee who would agree to revoke John Ross’s Southfork drilling permit. Of course, the wily McConaughey was in no mood to grant Sue Ellen a favor and rejected her suggestion. Dumb move, governor: It turned out Sue Ellen had bugged the bottle, which allowed her and Bobby (Patrick Duffy) to eavesdrop on McConaughey’s conversations — including one with Babcock (Currie Graham), who promised to illegally funnel money to the governor’s 2016 presidential campaign. “The bug in the bourbon cork. I think J.R. would see the humor in that,” Bobby said.

• Sue Ellen struck back (part 2). After John Ross and Pamela (Josh Henderson, Julie Gonzalo) returned from their honeymoon, Sue Ellen told her son to stop cheating on his wife, but he paid Sue Ellen no heed. “This is all about you wanting to punish J.R. for the way he treated you. Well, guess what, Mama? I’m not J.R.,” John Ross said. Dumb move, junior: Once Sue Ellen played McConaughey her recording of his conversation, he agreed to replace Babcock with a new railroad commissioner — Bobby. (Said the governor upon discovering Sue Ellen’s scheme: “This is why politicians should never accept gifts — especially gifts with J.R.’s name on them.”) Sue Ellen let her son know she was behind the appointment when she sent him a text message that read, “I couldn’t look the other way.” He responded in kind, leaving her a nasty voice mail message in which he shouted, “Now I know I’ve got another enemy I’ve got to look out for. I ain’t going to forget this.”

• Emma gained the upper hand against Judith. John Ross returned from his honeymoon with a gift for his mistress: a necklace, which he gave to Emma (Emma Bell) during one of their clandestine meetings in her bedroom. When Ann (Brenda Strong) saw the jewelry, she and Emma got into a fight and Ann kicked her off the ranch. But Emma wasn’t down for long: She told Judith (Judith Light) she knows all about her prostitution business and used the information to blackmail Grandma into agreeing to give John Ross control of Ryland’s ships for his Arctic drilling venture. After Judith gave her granddaughter some advice (“Never let a man screw you for nothing”), Emma told John Ross she wants a piece of the “Arctic play,” but that’s probably the least of his worries: Judith, fuming over being blackmailed, let Harris know she was frustrated with the slow pace of his scheme to frame John Ross for a sex crime. “How hard is it to get that Ewing boy to drop his pants?” Judith asked.

• Harris gained the upper hand against the CIA. After Ann told Harris that Emma left the ranch, he worried for his daughter’s safety and told CIA agent George Tatangelo (Gino Anthony Pesi) that he wanted out of the agency’s sting operation against the Mendez-Ochoa drug cartel. Tatangelo told Harris it was too late to walk away (“You bought the ticket. You take the ride.”), so Harris threatened to expose expose the illegal “black ops” operations Tantangelo has been conducting on the side. “If you won’t stop the ride, the least you can do is re-route some of those resources and get my family a little extra protection,” Harris said. Meanwhile, Harris and Ann continued to soften toward each other during their search for Emma, who eventually came home to Southfork and told Ann she would stop seeing John Ross — a promise Emma had no intention of keeping.

• Elena and Nicolas got a clue. Pamela was unsettled to see Candace (Jude Demorest) flirting with John Ross, but that was nothing compared to the distressing phone call she received from Cliff (Ken Kercheval), who tried unsuccessfully to mend fences with her. Cliff realized his daughter believes he really did kill J.R., and so he huddled with Elena and Nicolas (Jordana Brewster, Juan Pablo Di Pace) and urged them to tell Pamela the truth. “Turn her against John Ross and she will help you get your justice … and mine,” Cliff said. He also warned Elena to keep an eye on Nicolas. Meanwhile, Nicolas persuaded Peter Bedford (Todd Terry), the state’s attorney whom J.R. once blackmailed, into showing him and Elena the files from the Mexican police’s investigation into J.R.’s murder. While examining the autopsy photos, Nicolas noticed an unusual incision on J.R.’s body.

• Christopher grew closer to Heather — and clashed with John Ross. Christopher and Heather (Jesse Metcalfe, AnnaLynne McCord) grew closer, and he learned her secret: She was once married to Bo (Donny Boaz) and the two of them have a young son, Michael. Christopher and the boy bonded over Transformers when they met, but Bo made it clear he doesn’t think much of Christopher. Or maybe Bo was just stressed because John Ross, his boss at the Southfork drilling site, has been riding the crew so hard. Buckle up, Bo, because things aren’t going to get any easier: After John Ross found out about Bobby’s new position on the railroad commission, he vowed to keep fighting until he taps the oil under the ranch. As John Ross told Bobby and Christopher, “You want to build a roadblock between me and drilling Southfork? Go ahead. If I’m as bad as my father ever was, then I’ll blow right past it.”

What did you think of “D.T.R.”? Share your comments below and look for Dallas Decoder’s critique later this week.

The Dal-List: Classic ‘Dallas’s’ 8 Southfork Weddings, Ranked

Dallas, John Ross Ewing, Josh Henderson, Julie Gonzalo, Lifting the Veil, Pamela Rebecca Barnes Ewing, TNT

The tradition continues

John Ross and Pamela (Josh Henderson, Julie Gonzalo) eloped on “Dallas” last season, but they’ll get a traditional Southfork wedding in “Lifting the Veil,” TNT’s latest episode. Here’s a list of the eight Southfork weddings seen on the original show, ranked in order of preference. (Also, check out my recent list of all the Ewings who had multiple weddings, including ceremonies that occurred off-camera.)

Bobby Ewing, Dallas, J.R. Ewing, Larry Hagman, Patrick Duffy

Wrong way, Bob

8. Bobby Ewing and Jenna Wade (1984). Yes, I know. Bobby and Jenna never got married. But they did have a Southfork wedding; she never bothered to show up. I suppose I should cut Jenna some slack since the reason she skipped out on the ceremony was because her slimy ex-husband, Renaldo Marchetta, kidnapped her and forced her to remarry him instead … but I say nuts to that! I don’t care if Naldo was holding a gun to Jenna’s head; how could she leave Bobby (Patrick Duffy) standing at the altar — especially when he looked so darned handsome in his gray morning coat and striped pants? The ceremony ended with Ray apologizing to the crowd after Bobby dashed off to find his runaway bride. Am I the only one who wishes he hadn’t located her?

Bobby Ewing, Charlene Tilton, Charlie Wade, Clayton Farlow, Dallas, Donna Krebbs, Donna Reed, Howard Keel, Jenna Wade, J.R. Ewing, Larry Hagman, Linda Gray, Leigh McCloskey, Lucy Ewing, Miss Ellie Ewing Farlow, Dr. Mitch Cooper, Patrick Duffy, Priscilla Beaulieu Presley, Omri Katz, Ray Krebbs, Shalane McCall, Steve Kanaly, Sue Ellen Ewing, Susan Howard

Standing room only

7. Lucy Ewing and Mitch Cooper (1985). Lucy and Mitch’s second wedding was not nearly as grand as their first. It took place in the Southfork living room, which is probably better than the driveway, but nonetheless required the cast to squeeze into what looked like pretty tight quarters. This was Charlene Tilton’s final “Dallas” appearance for a while — the Coopers moved to Atlanta after the ceremony — and it was nice to see everyone give Lucy such a warm sendoff. Even J.R. got sentimental, telling his least-favorite niece, “Lucy, I never thought I’d say this, but I’m really going to miss you, honey. It won’t be the same without you to fight with.” The best part, though: The ceremony inspired Bobby to dump Jenna and go back to Pam. Karma’s a bitch, darlin’.

Barbara Bel Geddes, Bobby Ewing, Dallas, J.R. Ewing, Larry Hagman, Miss Ellie Ewing, Patrick Duffy

Mama’s boys

6. Miss Ellie Ewing and Clayton Farlow (1984). Ellie and Clayton had the healthiest marriage Southfork has ever seen — yes, even healthier than the one she had with Jock — and I’m sure they had a perfectly lovely wedding, but we don’t really know since “Dallas” never showed us the big event. We only saw Mama (Barbara Bel Geddes), looking so pretty in her purple suit, as she came down the stairs and joined Bobby and J.R. (Larry Hagman), who were supposed to walk her down the aisle. And then … cut to commercial! No shot of the crowd, no exchange of vows, no scenes of J.R. biting his tongue when the minister asked if anyone had objections. To make matters worse, when Ellie got back from her honeymoon, she looked like Donna Reed. (Nice lady, but not our Mama.)

April Stevens Ewing, Bobby Ewing, Dallas, Patrick Duffy, Sheree J. Wilson

Welcome to the jungle

5. Bobby Ewing and April Stevens (1990). Here’s a ceremony I wish we hadn’t seen — not because I don’t like Bobby and April (Sheree J. Wilson) as a couple, but because the producers filmed their wedding on a soundstage instead of the “real” Southfork. The result: It’s like the Ewings have landed on one of the fake-looking planets the Enterprise crew used to visit on “Star Trek.” I mean, check out this picture. Why does Southfork look like a jungle? It was nice to see all the pre-wedding festivities, though, including Bobby’s bachelor party at the Oil Baron’s Club and April’s bridal shower in the Southfork living room. Although I can’t help but wonder: Why was the guest list at April’s shower dominated by Bobby’s family and the Ewing Oil secretaries? Didn’t the poor girl have any friends of her own?

Oh, what now?

Oh, what now?

4. Bobby and Pam Ewing (1986). Right before these nuptials began, tipsy Ray blabbed the big secret that Jenna was pregnant with Bobby’s child, which almost made Pam call the whole thing off. (Must Jenna ruin everything?) But then the ceremony began, and it was a hoot: As Cliff escorted Pam down the aisle, he warned her that she was “walking straight into hell.” Meanwhile, when best man J.R. reminded Bobby that it wasn’t too late to change his mind, Bobby threatened to kick J.R.’s butt, prompting the minister to shush them both. The best part: During the vows, we saw flashbacks to Bobby and Pam’s first ceremony, which occurred off-camera in 1978. Sure, the show muffed some details — Duffy’s jacket and Victoria Principal’s hair were all wrong — but it was still a nice touch.

Dallas, J. Eddie Peck, Tommy McKay

Something blue

3. J.R. Ewing and Cally Harper (1989). This wedding was absolutely nuts, which is why I loved it. As soon as J.R. and Cally said “I do,” a big storm swept over Southfork, forcing everyone to spend the night at the ranch. Sue Ellen took the room across the hall from the newlyweds, Cliff bunked on the sofa, Carter McKay raided the refrigerator in the middle of the night and Lucy ran around filming everything with a camcorder that was as big as her. The most insane moment of all: Shirtless wacko Tommy McKay (played by the gloriously named J. Eddie Peck) — tried to put the moves on April — in little John Ross’s bedroom, no less! — and when she rebuffed him, he burst onto the balcony, smashed a bottle of booze against the wall and started screaming in the rain. I guess that was one way to cool off.

Charlene Tilton, Dallas, Lucy Ewing

Altar girl

2. Lucy Ewing and Mitch Cooper (1981). The first Southfork wedding seen on “Dallas” was also filmed on the soundstage, so the show staged the ceremony on the driveway set since, you know, there was no lawn. Otherwise, the producers spared no expense, even bringing in Gary and Val, Lucy’s deadbeat parents from “Knots Landing,” to witness the nuptials. In fact, there were so many extras on the dance floor, I was afraid they were going to waltz right over Sue Ellen, who sat around flirting with snoozetastic Clint Ogden. I also loved when Jock and his sons ducked into the living room to conduct a little business on Lucy’s wedding day (shades of “The Godfather”), although the best part of all came when J.R. and Afton snuck off during the reception to have sex — in the bed he shared with Sue Ellen!

Cliff Barnes, Dallas, J.R. Ewing, Larry Hagman

Back off, Barnes!

1. J.R. and Sue Ellen Ewing (1982). Now this is everything a Southfork wedding should be. One year after J.R. and Sue Ellen were divorced, they got hitched again because, you know, why not? The wedding was so big, it couldn’t be contained to a single episode: Part 1 ended with the minister asking if anyone had objections to the couple’s remarriage, and even though everyone should’ve stood up, the only person who did was Cliff (Ken Kercheval). So did he interrupt the nuptials? Nah. At the beginning of Part 2, we realized he was just stretching his legs. The ceremony continued and then it was on to the reception, which was ruined when J.R. and Cliff started a brawl that began on the dance floor and ended in the swimming pool. Perfect! The only thing that would’ve made this more fun was if Jenna had gotten dunked too. (Oh, quit your moaning. You know she deserved it.)

What’s your favorite “Dallas” wedding? Share your comments below and read more “Dal-Lists.”

Say What?! This Week’s Best Dallas Sound Bites

“Dallas” delivers the most delicious dialogue on television. Here are the best sound bites from “Playing Chicken,” this week’s episode.

Ann Ewing, Bobby Ewing, Brenda Strong, Bum, Cliff Barnes, Dallas, Ken Kercheval, Kevin Page, Patrick Duffy, Playing Chicken, TNT

What are your favorite lines from “Playing Chicken”? Share them below and read more “Say What?!”

TNT’s Dallas Recap: ‘Playing Chicken’

Dallas, Emma Bell, Emma Ryland, John Ross Ewing, Josh Henderson, Playing Chicken, TNT

Home to roost

Here’s what happened in “Playing Chicken,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode:

Christopher searched for the truth about Nicolas. Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) went to the federal prison in Nuevo Laredo, where he questioned Cliff (Ken Kercheval) about his connection to Nicolas. Cliff didn’t supply any answers, but Christopher fared better when he tracked down Nicolas’s ex-business partner, whom Nicolas cheated on his rise to the top — and who told Christopher that “Nicolas Treviño” isn’t Nicolas’s real name.

Later, several armed men approached Christopher outside his hotel and brought him to Nicolas’s compound, where he met a beautiful woman (Angélica Celaya) with two small sons. When Christopher asked the woman what she knows about Nicolas, she responded: “I can tell you quite a bit. I’m Lucia Treviño, his wife.”

Nicolas and Elena searched for the truth about the Ewings. Back in Dallas, Nicolas (Juan Pablo Di Pace) tracked down Rhonda Simmons (Emily Kosloski), the woman whose testimony helped convict Cliff for J.R.’s murder, and offered her $25,000 to admit she lied. The next night, Nicolas met with Rhonda again, expecting her to talk, except she brought along a surprise guest: Bobby (Patrick Duffy), who insisted Rhonda was being honest when she implicated Cliff. “Sometimes the truth hurts,” Bobby told Nicolas.

Elena (Jordana Brewster) fared no better: She went to the firing range where Cliff used to practice, hoping to find the surveillance video that would prove his gun was stolen, only to discover the footage had mysteriously vanished. Elena felt defeated, but Nicolas assured her the two of them will ultimately beat the Ewings — and to demonstrate his dedication, he revealed long-hidden feelings for her. “I never wanted a woman more than I want you, and if you’ll allow me, I want a chance to make you happy,” Nicolas said. He and Elena kissed — and then they did much more.

Sue Ellen found out the truth about John Ross. After Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) saw Emma flirting with John Ross, she confided in Ann her suspicion that John Ross and Emma are having an affair. Ann (Brenda Strong) didn’t reject the suggestion. “You were right about her drug use. Maybe you’re right this time too,” she said. Ann later urged Emma (Emma Bell) to stop wearing skimpy bikinis around Southfork, while Sue Ellen went to work on Bum (Kevin Page) to determine if he told the truth about John Ross being faithful to Pamela.

Sue Ellen’s plan worked: After she laid a major guilt trip on Bum, he showed up on her doorstep and confessed everything. “I lied to you, Sue Ellen. You were right about John Ross and Emma. I’m sorry,” Bum said. Sue Ellen’s response: “Not nearly as sorry as I am.”

Bobby and Ann dealt with the truth about Harris. Bobby and Ann struggled to wrap their heads around the fact that Harris is secretly helping the CIA try to bring down the Mendez-Ochoa cartel. Bobby beefed up security at Southfork and told Ann that she shouldn’t worry about their family’s well-being. “You and Emma will always be safe on Southfork. Always. You can count on it,” Bobby said.

Later, while Pamela (Julie Gonzalo) and Emma went shopping for lingerie for Pamela’s honeymoon, Ann went to see Harris (Mitch Pileggi) and told him she fears their daughter is “acting out” against her father by sleeping with John Ross. Ann urged Harris to come clean to Emma about his CIA connection, but he refused. “I wish I could trust her with that, but I can’t,” Harris said. He added: “I never meant to put the people that I love in danger, Annie. As awful as you think I am, I do love our daughter.”

John Ross learned the truth about chickens. John Ross (Josh Henderson) blackmailed Bo (Donny Boaz) into joining his Southfork drilling venture by threatening to expose the ranch hand’s drug-dealing past. But John Ross’s scheming was for naught: Bobby shut down the project when he revealed the state would refuse to issue John Ross a drilling permit because the project endangered the lesser prairie chicken, a threatened species in Texas. Later, when John Ross came home after cavorting at the office with Emma and found Pamela wearing the same teddy that his mistress had been wearing, he felt an attack of conscience and headed for the shower, leaving his wife looking more than a little hurt.

This might be the least of John Ross’s problems: When Harris told Judith (Judith Light) that Emma gave John Ross the Ryland files — which Harris said contain “unflattering” information about Judith — Mama Ryland narrowed her eyes and began plotting. “I’m sure we can find something to compromise young Mr. Ewing enough to convince him to return those files,” Judith said. “And by ‘we,’ of course I mean ‘me.’”

What did you think of “Playing Chicken”? Share your comments below and look for Dallas Decoder’s critique later this week.

Dallas Burning Questions: Season 3, Week 3

Dallas, Emma Bell, Emma Ryland, Linda Gray, Sue Ellen Ewing, TNT, Trust Me

Confronting the truth

Here are the questions we’re pondering as we await tonight’s telecast of “Playing Chicken,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode:

Is Harris telling the truth? In “Trust Me,” last week’s episode, Bobby and Ann (Patrick Duffy, Brenda Strong) were stunned to discover Harris (Mitch Pileggi) was released from jail. When Bobby and Ann began investigating the circumstances of his release, they were summoned to a darkened warehouse, where a mystery man who identified himself as a CIA agent ordered the Ewings to stop snooping into Harris’s business. Harris emerged from the shadows and explained why: He’s secretly working with the CIA to bring down the Mendez-Ochoa drug cartel, and if Bobby and Ann keep asking questions, it could blow his cover and jeopardize lives. “They have pictures of our daughter — and you, Annie,” Harris said of the cartel. “Now if they find out who I’m working for, they’ll kill both you and Emma.” Should Bobby and Ann believe him?

What will happen to Judith? Earlier in the episode, when Harris learned Emma (Emma Bell) had agreed to give the Ewings access to Ryland Transport’s new drilling and cargo ships, he wondered if his daughter was still taking drugs and threatened to send her to a “secure therapeutic setting.” Emma retaliated by springing Judith (Judith Light) from the rehab hospital, and before Harris knew it, Mama Ryland had seized control of the family business. Judith made Harris take her to Mexico, where she met with the drug lord Luis (Antonio Jaramillo), negotiated a new deal to smuggle his cocaine into Texas — and then sampled the product herself. “Hot damn! Mama like,” Judith said after snorting Luis’s coke. Little did she know Harris was secretly recording the meeting. What will he do with the evidence?

Will John Ross “frack” Southfork? To finance the Ewings’ new Arctic drilling venture, John Ross continued to insist on tapping the oil under Southfork by using an environmentally questionable process known as “fracking.” He claimed the ranch’s oil-rich “shale formation” falls within his surface rights, so Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) asked seismologist Howard Rieder (Christian Clemenson) to investigate, hoping to prove his ambitious cousin wrong. John Ross tried to bribe Howard to make sure the test came out his way, but Howard confessed all to Bobby, who told him to keep the money and give him the test results straight. When the results came in, they showed the shale is indeed with the surface rights. “That settles it. … We’re fracking Southfork,” John Ross said. Will he?

What will happen to the ranch hands? When Heather (AnnaLynne McCord) heard the Ewings might frack the ranch, she angrily confronted Christopher and explained it would put many ranch hands out of work. Christopher explained that he and Bobby want to protect Southfork and invited Heather to the Ewing Barbecue, where she kissed him and told him she’d like to see more of him in the future. If the fracking occurs, will she still feel that way? And what will happen to Southfork’s other ranch hands, including Emma’s onetime beau, Bo (Donny Boaz)?

• Will Sue Ellen and Pamela discover the truth? Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) asked Bum (Kevin Page) to follow John Ross to confirm her suspicion that he’s cheating with Emma. Bum photographed John Ross and Emma cavorting in John Ross’s penthouse, but Bum lied and told Sue Ellen that her son “never went near” Miss Ryland. Instead, Bum showed the pictures to John Ross and told him to wise up and stop cheating on Pamela (Julie Gonzalo), who also began to notice her husband’s wandering eye. Will Sue Ellen and Pamela’s suspicions be proven correct?

Are Elena and Nicolas closing in on the Ewings? At the Ewing Barbecue, Elena (Jordana Brewster) snooped around Bobby’s laptop and came across an email to Carlos del Sol in which Bobby wrote, “Talked to Rhonda Simmons. She agreed to play ball with us about JR.” Elena showed the email to Nicolas (Juan Pablo Di Pace) and explained that Rhonda (Emily Kosloski) was the witness whose testimony placed Cliff in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, on the night J.R. was killed. “That’s got to mean something,” Elena said as she studied Bobby’s email. Meanwhile, when Elena realized Nicolas would run into Carmen (Marlene Forte) at the barbecue, she reluctantly told her mother she was plotting against the Ewings but didn’t offer details. Carmen was aghast. Will she keep Elena and Nicolas’s secret?

• Are the Ewings closing in on Elena and Nicolas? Elsewhere, Christopher quizzed Nicolas about his business dealings with Cliff (Ken Kercheval) and realized the details didn’t add up. Christopher shared his suspicions with Bobby, who told him to go to Mexico to see what he could find out about Nicolas’s past. What will Christopher learn when he goes south of the border?

What “Dallas Burning Questions” are on your mind? Share your comments below and watch TNT’s “Dallas” tonight.

The Dal-List: Classic ‘Dallas’s’ 8 Ewing Barbecues, Ranked

Dallas, John Ross Ewing, Josh Henderson, Julie Gonzalo, Pamela Rebecca Barnes Ewing, Trust Me, TNT

Upholding tradition

The Ewings throw another Southfork barbecue in “Trust Me,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode. Here’s a list of every barbecue from the classic show’s era, ranked in order of preference. (Please note: The two rodeo episodes aren’t included. Don’t worry; they’ll get their own list one day.)

Bert Remsen, Bobby Ewing, Clayton Farlow, Dallas, Dandy Dandridge, Howard Keel, Patrick Duffy

Top gun

8. Barbecue VIII (1987). The original “Dallas’s” final barbecue feels a little warmed over, sad to say. Things briefly get exciting when aging wildcatter Dandy Dandridge (Bert Remsen) shows up and tries to shoot Cliff — a nifty bit of poetic justice that recalls Digger’s attempt to kill Jock in “Dallas: The Early Years.” The rest of the affair, though, is more of a retread than an homage: J.R. and Cliff exchange insults for the umpteenth time, Sue Ellen once again tries to get under her husband’s skin and Christopher spends another episode moping around because he’s adopted. Is this “Groundhog Day” or a Southfork shindig?

Cliff Barnes, Dallas, Ken Kercheval, Linda Gray, Sue Ellen Ewing

Dances with wolves

7. Barbecue II (1982). Most of the action at this party happens on the dance floor: With Pam upstairs mooning over baby Christopher, Bobby waltzes with Katherine, whose crush on her brother-in-law is as plain as Ray’s extra-martial interest in sexy Toni. Later, J.R. stands on the balcony and seethes while watching Sue Ellen and Cliff (Linda Gray, Ken Kercheval) — whose shirt appears to have lost all its buttons — have a jolly time two-stepping below. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Miss Ellie receives the fateful phone call informing her that Jock’s helicopter crashed on its way home. Way to kill the festive mood, “Dallas.”

Afton Cooper, Audrey Landers, Cliff Barnes, Dallas, Ken Kercheval

Birds of a feather

6. Barbecue IV (1983). This barbecue is mostly fun: Bobby and Mark Graison give each other the stink eye at the bar, Jenna Wade is bitchy to Pam on the patio and Afton Cooper (Audrey Landers) runs around the driveway in a Native American-inspired outfit that features the most strategically placed tassels in the history of costume design. So why doesn’t this soiree rank higher? Blame baby-faced stalker Peter Richards, who summons Sue Ellen to the barn, where he gives her a smooch and professes his undying love for her. Gross! It’s enough to make us lose our appetite for Mama’s chili.

Dallas, Fern Fitzgerald, Jamie Ewing, Jenilee Harrison, J.R. Ewing, Marilee Stone

Slap splash

5. Barbecue V (1984). Myth: Every time the Ewings throw a barbecue, someone gets pushed into the Southfork swimming pool. Fact: This only happens once, and it occurs at the 1984 hootenanny, when Marilee Stone (Fern Fitzgerald) slaps Cousin Jamie (Jenilee Harrison), who responds by shoving Marilee into the water. The best part is the hilarious kicker: When J.R. reaches down to pull Ms. Stone out of the chlorinated water, he says, “Marilee, you all right, honey? Did it go up your nose?” No matter how many times I watch this episode, I never tire of seeing Larry Hagman deliver that line.

Dallas, J.R. Ewing, Larry Hagman, Pam Ewing, Victoria Principal

Dis-invite

4. Barbecue VII (1986). This hoedown ends on a dramatic note, with Bobby arriving with evidence that proves Wes Parmalee, the man who claims to be back-from-the-dead Jock, is an imposter. Before we get to that, though, we’re treated to several scenes that showcase Hagman’s comedic genius. In one, J.R. chastises Pam (Victoria Principal) for inviting “that moron brother of yours to my barbecue.” Later, J.R. witnesses Cliff and Jamie’s latest marital spat and can’t resist offering his two cents. Jamie: “You know, Cliff Barnes, you’re the sorriest excuse for a man that I have ever met!” J.R.: “Well, I’ll second that!”

Dallas, Linda Gray, Sue Ellen Ewing

Drunk history

3. Barbecue I (1978). Here’s the one that started it all. “Dallas’s” first season ends with an episode that takes place in a single day, as Texas’s newest in-laws, the Ewings and the Barneses, get together for an epic Southfork cookout. Everyone gets down in the dirt at this one: Digger and Sue Ellen each fall off the wagon, J.R. falls flat on his face when Bobby punches him and Pam falls from the hayloft and suffers a miscarriage. My favorite scene belongs to caterers Tilly and Sam, who spend the afternoon gossiping about the Ewings. This is the only time these characters ever appeared on “Dallas”; is it too late to bring them back?

Dallas, J.R. Ewing, Larry Hagman

Center of attention

2. Barbecue III (1982). The second barbecue of 1982 finds everyone hatin’ on poor J.R. The members of the cartel are royally peeved that he’s undercut them by opening a chain of cut-rate gas stations, and so is Bobby, who’s so upset, he gets drunk (!), neglects Pam (!!) and flirts with Holly Harwood (!!!). Finally, the cartel gangs up and confronts J.R. It’s showdown at the Southfork corral! But wait, what’s this? Here come the other Ewings, who circle J.R. and remind the cartel that when you take on one member of the clan, you take them all on. It’s not just the quintessential Ewing Barbecue scene, it’s quintessential “Dallas.”

Dale Midkiff, Dallas, Dallas: The Early Years, Jock Ewing, Molly Hagan

Get the party started

1. Barbecue VI (1986). My sentimental favorite. The prequel movie “Dallas: The Early Years” culminates at a 1951 barbecue, where a teenaged J.R. loses his virginity in the barn and a drunken Digger shows up with a gun and takes aim at Jock (Dale Midkiff). Ellie (Molly Hagan) intervenes and saves her husband’s life, and then with all the Barnes and Ewing children frolicking around them, Jock embraces Ellie and turns reflective. “What are these poor kids going to end up like?” he asks. Cut to the final scene: After bratty Cliff tangles with J.R., he drags kid sister Pammy away from her new playmate — little Bobby Ewing. Jerrold Immel’s famous theme music rises in the background, the camera pulls back for a bird’s eye view of the ranch and then the familiar shots from “Dallas’s” classic title sequence begin to sweep across the screen. Now that’s how you end a barbecue!

What’s your favorite “Dallas” barbecue? Share your comments below and read more “Dal-Lists.”

Critique: TNT’s ‘Dallas’ Episode 26 – ‘The Return’

Dallas, John Ross Ewing, Josh Henderson, Return, TNT

That smile

Now that “Dallas” fans know who killed J.R., we can turn our attention to a much trickier question: Who’ll be J.R.? We all realize Larry Hagman is irreplaceable, but we also understand TNT’s sequel series needs a character who can keep the plots — and on this show, that means the plottin’ and the schemin’ — moving forward the way J.R. did. Last year, the producers seemed to toy with several possible successors — even white-knight father/son duo Bobby and Christopher got in touch with their inner J.R.s — but in “The Return,” John Ross emerges as Daddy’s true heir. It’s the obvious choice. It’s also the smart one.

I’ve been a fan of Josh Henderson’s sly performance from the beginning, even comparing him to “Dallas’s” most famous alum, Brad Pitt, in my first review of the TNT series. Most of what I wrote then remains true: Henderson still has an effortless, seductive charm, and even when John Ross is up to no good, you still find him alluring. But it’s no longer accurate to call Henderson or his character “boyish,” as I did two years ago. Maybe it’s the fact that John Ross is now married and a big-shot oilman in his own right — or maybe it’s the fact that Henderson’s pecs have seemingly grown three cup sizes, as Entertainment Weekly cheekily pointed out last week — but John Ross is now much more man than boy.

Wisely, “The Return” wastes no time establishing him as “Dallas’s” new J.R., who turns out be a lot like the old one. John Ross frolics with his mistress in a hotel room, comes home and lies to his wife about his whereabouts (he says he was in Houston, buying her a “proper” engagement ring), sweet talks his mama when she frets about his ambition, clashes with Bobby over Southfork’s future (To remodel or not to remodel? To drill or not to drill?) and wheels and deals in the boardroom, where he enthusiastically declares Ewing Global is going to be “bigger than Exxon and BP combined.” (Shades of J.R.’s oft-repeated vow to make Ewing Oil the “biggest independent oil company in the state of Texas.”) John Ross even sports J.R.’s wristwatch and belt buckle, and even though the latter looks kind of big on him, is that so bad? I see it as a symbol of how carrying J.R.’s legacy will always be a burden for John Ross, no matter how muscular he gets.

What impresses me most about Henderson — in this episode and others — is how he evokes Hagman’s spirit without ever resorting to imitating the actor. Like Hagman, Henderson possesses one of the great smiles in television, but he uses it differently than the way Hagman used his. Whereas J.R.’s smile often concealed his intentions, John Ross’s lets us know what’s going on inside his head. In “The Return,” Henderson arches his eyebrow and smirks when he’s sparring with Patrick Duffy, but when John Ross is on bended knee proposing to Pamela, watch how the actor’s whole face lights up. This is a smile to melt your heart, reminding us that there’s a sensitive soul beneath all that bravado.

Of course, even though Henderson has become the new face of this franchise, “Dallas” remains a group effort, as “The Return” makes clear. This episode gives almost every member of the ensemble a nice moment or two, although special mention goes to Jordana Brewster, who is such a good actress, she makes Elena’s overnight transformation — literally — into a Ewing enemy seem believable, if not altogether reasonable. (Is Elena unaware of Cliff’s role in blackmailing Drew into blowing up the rig last season?) Brewster’s character has become the latest in a long line of “Dallas” heroines to do Cliff’s dirty work, and I love how the actress holds her own against Ken Kercheval, who is as electric as ever in Cliff’s jailhouse scenes.

I also applaud the introduction of Juan Pablo Di Pace, who makes one of the all-time great “Dallas” debuts when the oh-so-suave Nicolas Treviño sweeps into the Ewing Global boardroom and upsets the family’s apple cart. Treviño has the potential to become an altogether different kind of “Dallas” villain: richer than Jeremy Wendell and Carter McKay and every bit as calculating, but also a heck of a lot hotter. (No offense, William Smithers and George Kennedy.) I’ll never understand how the Ewings lack the “supermajority” they need to sell a division in their own company — just like the whole matter about the Southfork surface rights seems like a bunch of hooey — but let’s face it: “Dallas” has always existed in a universe where the legal realities bear little resemblance to our own.

Besides, I’d rather focus on the other ways in which “The Return” lives up to its title. This episode marks a return to many of the “Dallas” hallmarks that so many of us love, beginning with the revival of the classic three-way split-screen title sequence, which has received widespread acclaim from fans. Under Steve Robin’s direction, “The Return’s” pacing also feels a little more deliberate; there are more old-school, quiet scenes like the one where the women of Southfork sit around the patio and plan Pamela’s wedding; and there are more sequences set outdoors on the ranch, which cinematographer Rodney Charters always showcases in all of its high-definition, green-grass/blue-sky glory. No matter where the characters go on Southfork — whether it’s to the wood-chopping pile or to the “shale formation” where the cattle graze — Charters makes us feel like we’re right there with them.

I also appreciate how this episode’s script, written by co-executive producers Cynthia Cidre and Robert Rovner, is sprinkled with dialogue that pays homage to classic “Dallas” themes. One example: The tension between moving forward and clinging to old traditions has always been central to the “Dallas” mythology, which we see in Bobby and John Ross’s argument over remodeling Southfork. “It’s about time you learn to respect the past, boy,” Bobby says. John Ross’s cutting response: “The past is what holds us back, Uncle Bobby.” If I heard that line a season or two ago, I might worry it signaled this franchise was going to abandon its history, except the people in charge have long since demonstrated their commitment to preserving “Dallas’s” heritage, even if they sometimes play a little loose with the continuity.

Nothing demonstrates this better than all the references to J.R. in “The Return.” I counted at least 13 instances where he’s mentioned by name, and that doesn’t include lines like the one where Sue Ellen catches John Ross sneaking out of Emma’s bedroom and says, “What’s the matter, Mama? You look like you just seen a ghost.” There are also plenty of visual reminders: the wristwatch, the belt buckle, the gravestone and most importantly, the much-improved portrait hanging in the background at Ewing Global, which makes it seem like J.R. is always peering over someone’s shoulder.

Indeed, as tempting as it is to think of “Dallas’s” third season as the beginning of the post-Hagman era, is such a thing even possible? “The Return” keeps our hero’s memory alive, not that it was in any danger of fading in the first place.

Grade: B

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Dallas, Elena Ramos, Jordana Brewster, Return, TNT

Look who’s lurking

‘THE RETURN’

Season 3, Episode 1

Telecast: February 24, 2014

Audience: 2.7 million viewers on February 24

Writers: Cynthia Cidre and Robert Rovner

Director: Steve Robin

Synopsis: Elena forms a secret alliance with Cliff, takes a job at the newly renamed Ewing Global and recruits Nicolas Treviño, a childhood friend who is now a billionaire, to serve as Cliff’s proxy. Emma, Ryland Transport’s new chief executive, gives John Ross control of the company’s drilling and cargo ships so Ewing Global can tap oil and methane reserves in the Arctic. When Nicolas tries to scuttle the Arctic deal, John Ross suggests drilling on Southfork to finance the project, but Bobby disagrees. The Mendez-Ochoa cartel bribes a judge to get Harris out of jail and threatens to kill Emma if Harris doesn’t resume his drug shipments. Christopher meets Heather, a spirited ranch hand.

Cast: Amber Bartlett (Jill), Emma Bell (Emma Ryland), Donny Boaz (Bo McCabe), Jordana Brewster (Elena Ramos), Juan Pablo Di Pace (Nicolas Treviño), Patrick Duffy (Bobby Ewing), Marlene Forte (Carmen Ramos), Julie Gonzalo (Pamela Ewing), Linda Gray (Sue Ellen Ewing), Josh Henderson (John Ross Ewing), Ken Kercheval (Cliff Barnes), AnnaLynne McCord (Heather), Jesse Metcalfe (Christopher Ewing), Kevin Page (Bum), Mitch Pileggi (Harris Ryland), Brenda Strong (Ann Ewing)

“The Return” is available at DallasTNT.com, Amazon.com and iTunes. Watch the episode and share your comments below.