TNT’s Dallas Scene of the Day: ‘We Could’ve Worked, Annie’

Ann Ewing, Brenda Strong, Dallas, Harris Ryland, Mitch Pileggi, TNT, Where There's Smoke

Oh, the humanity!

In “Where There’s Smoke,” a third-season “Dallas” episode, Ann and Harris (Brenda Strong, Mitch Pileggi) walk out of his house.

ANN: It’s crazy, everything that’s happened in that house, not to feel —

HARRIS: Repulsed?

ANN: [Sighs] Afraid. Every time I came here when I was young, even when things were good between us, I always felt so unsettled.

HARRIS: That’s called “my mother.” [Ann chuckles.] I’m sorry I was so weak, Annie.

ANN: Weak? Back then, you were the strongest man I knew.

HARRIS: Yeah, strong to you, maybe. But I let her control me too much. Listened to her too much. And it all went awry.

ANN: Well, it wasn’t just you. I was young and reckless. Running away from a life I didn’t want. You know, I think if I had paused for one second, I would’ve seen I was too young and too screwed up to think running off with anyone at 17 was a good idea.

HARRIS: I don’t know. I think we could’ve worked, Annie. I loved you. I just think we never had a chance. We should never have remained in this house, not with that woman living here. She destroys everything she ever touches. She destroyed the most important part of my life: You. [He kisses her. She lingers, then pulls away.]

ANN: I should go.

HARRIS: I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Annie. I’m sorry.

She walks away as Judith (Judith Light) watches from an upstairs window, seething.

Critique: TNT’s ‘Dallas’ Episode 33 — ‘Where There’s Smoke’

Dallas, Julie Gonzalo, Pamela Rebecca Barnes Ewing, TNT, Where There's Smoke

What’s she thinking?

Southfork catches fire again in “Where There’s Smoke,” although much of the heat in this episode comes from Pamela’s ménage a trois with John Ross and Emma. It’s shocking to see her make out with her husband and his mistress, although Pamela’s sudden seizure at the end of the scene proves an even bigger surprise. When I watched this cliffhanger for the first time the other night, I was left with a slew of questions: Is this an accident, or does the pill bottle in Pamela’s pocket mean she intentionally overdosed? Is she trying to kill herself, or does she merely want to scare John Ross and Emma? Could she be faking it?

It turns out we don’t have to wait until August, when “Dallas’s” third season will resume, for the answers to most of these questions: Yesterday, showrunner Cynthia Cidre told TV Line that Pamela was out to “punish” John Ross and Emma. “She wanted them to never be able to have sex again without thinking of her vomiting on them,” Cidre said. Well, OK then.

This still leaves open the question of whether or not Pamela is like Sue Ellen, which is probably the most interesting point to debate anyway. Earlier in the episode, Pamela puts down her mother-in-law, telling her she isn’t “weak” and “sniveling” like her. (Linda Gray’s reaction shots in this scene are heartbreaking.) By taking revenge against John Ross and Emma instead of hitting the bottle like Sue Ellen, Pamela seems to prove her point. On the other hand, if vengeance involves swallowing pills, is Pamela really all that different from Sue Ellen? Perhaps this storyline is meant to fit with one of this season’s broader themes, which is how “Dallas’s” younger generation is doomed to repeat the old guard’s mistakes.

But no matter how this cliffhanger is resolved, there’s no doubt the big sex scene has raised a ruckus among “Dallas” fans. Some say the series went too far by showing a three-way; others love the unexpected twist. I’m in the latter camp. Without question, the show is going out of its way to be provocative, but let’s face it: Sex has always been part of “Dallas’s” DNA. Isn’t this is the show that began with a teenage girl rolling around in the hay with a silver-haired cowboy? Besides, I don’t find John Ross, Pamela and Emma kissing and fondling each other as distasteful as seeing J.R. force Holly Harwood to have sex with him against her will, which is what happened in a 1983 episode. Now that was disturbing.

To me, the threesome feels like a fitting climax to a storyline that’s been building since the end of the previous season, when John Ross and Emma first cavorted in an Omni hotel room. I especially like how Cidre and Robert Rovner, who co-wrote this episode, bring everything full circle by bringing back Pamela and Emma’s green corsets. You also have to hand it to the actors: Josh Henderson does a nice job conveying John Ross’s hesitation about joining Pamela and Emma in bed — you can feel the character’s bewilderment — while Emma Bell always makes her character seem like she’s up for anything. Of course, the standout is Julie Gonzalo. Pamela hasn’t had much to do lately except gaze adoringly at John Ross, but “Where There’s Smoke” makes up for it. During the course of a single day, Pamela goes from feeling stunned to hurt to angry to aroused, and Gonzalo nails every scene. She’s become one of “Dallas’s” most reliable performers.

Surprisingly, I find the Pamela/John Ross/Emma cliffhanger more compelling than the Southfork fire, which lacks suspense. Is there any doubt Sue Ellen, Bobby and Christopher will all survive? A bigger problem: This fire seems like it comes from out of nowhere, unlike the 1983 version, when the inferno felt like the perfect way to end a season in which everything went to hell for the Ewings. Nevertheless, the “Where There’s Smoke” fire is a technical marvel. The special effects are superb, and whether or not it’s intentional, director Michael M. Robin and cinematographer Rodney Charters mimic some of the shots from the original fire. (You can see a side-by-side comparison on my Facebook page.)

More “Where There’s Smoke” highlights: Patrick Duffy is terrific in the scene where Bobby blows up at Ann, although as one Dallas Decoder reader pointed out on Twitter, Bobby is being a bit of a hypocrite. Yes, Ann probably should’ve told her husband about John Ross and Emma’s affair, but has Bobby gotten around to telling his wife that he framed Cliff for J.R.’s “murder?” Meanwhile, Ann and Harris’s kiss is surprisingly moving. This scene works not just because Brenda Strong and Mitch Pileggi are so good in their roles, but also because the show has taken its time telling their story, slowly revealing Ann’s vulnerability and Harris’s humanity.

I also like seeing Christopher and Heather grow closer — the ever-expanding McCabe clan is quickly surpassing the Ramoses as the show’s most believably down-to-earth family — and I’m glad this episode keeps the Mexican cartel and brothel business to a merciful minimum. It’s also good to see Elena acknowledge that J.R. — not Christopher — hurt her father; isn’t this what fans have been screaming at their TVs all season? The next scene, where Nicolas pokes holes in Elena’s diaphragm, is puzzling: By impregnating her, does he hope to control her? On the other hand, if this is the reason the Doors’ “Break On Through (To the Other Side)” was chosen for the episode-ending montage, I’m all for it.

Finally, like a lot of fans, I’m not sure what to make of the fact “North By Northwest” is playing on Sue Ellen’s TV when she gets drunk before the fire starts. In the movie, Cary Grant plays a man who unwittingly falls into a spy game but ultimately turns the tables on his enemies and takes control of the situation. Could this be a signal that Gray’s character is about to get back on track? Or is the film’s appearance nothing more than a sly plug for Turner Classic Movies, one of TNT’s sister channels?

I hope it’s the former. I’ve been patient while “Dallas” allows Sue Ellen’s relapse to play out, but now that she’s back where her fall from the wagon began — in the bedroom where J.R. once slept — it feels like this storyline has come full circle too. Is this where our beloved heroine begins the road back to sobriety? That’s the real cliffhanger, isn’t it?

Grade: B

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dallas, Linda Gray, Sue Ellen Ewing, TNT, Where There's Smoke

Full circle?

‘WHERE THERE’S SMOKE’

Season 3, Episode 8

Telecast: April 14, 2014

Audience: 2.1 million viewers on April 14

Writers: Cynthia Cidre and Robert Rovner

Director: Michael M. Robin

Synopsis: Pamela sees the video of John Ross and Emma and lashes out at Sue Ellen and Ann when she realizes they knew about the affair. Bobby becomes angry at Ann for keeping the secret from him, which prompts her to turn to Harris, who kisses her. John Ross figures out Harris has been trying to frame him and tells Judith to call off her son, while Judith urges Emma to turn on John Ross. Drew tells Nicolas he wants to settle the feud with the Ewings “with blood,” while Nicolas sabotages Elena’s birth control when she begins getting cold feet about their revenge scheme. Pamela finds John Ross and Emma in a hotel room and has a threesome with them, only to begin convulsing after an apparent overdose. Bobby and Christopher learn Bo blames the Ewings for his troubles and come home to Southfork to find the house in flames with Sue Ellen passed out inside.

Cast: Kuno Becker (Drew Ramos), Emma Bell (Emma Ryland), Donny Boaz (Bo McCabe), Jordana Brewster (Elena Ramos), Dallas Clark (Michael McCabe), Jude Demorest (Candace), Juan Pablo Di Pace (Nicolas Treviño), Akai Draco (Sheriff Derrick), Patrick Duffy (Bobby Ewing), Julie Gonzalo (Pamela Ewing), Linda Gray (Sue Ellen Ewing), Josh Henderson (John Ross Ewing), Antonio Jaramillo (Luis), Judith Light (Judith Ryland), AnnaLynne McCord (Heather McCabe), Jesse Metcalfe (Christopher Ewing), Kevin Page (Bum), Mitch Pileggi (Harris Ryland), Brenda Strong (Ann Ewing), Steven Walters (Reece)

“Where There’s Smoke” is available at DallasTNT.com, Amazon.com and iTunes. Watch the episode and share your comments below.

TNT’s Dallas Recap: ‘Where There’s Smoke’

Dallas, John Ross Ewing, Josh Henderson, TNT, Where There's Smoke

Devil may call

Here’s what happened in “Where There’s Smoke,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode:

Pamela learned the truth about John Ross and Emma. While John Ross (Josh Henderson) met with contractors to discuss adding a “master suite” for him and Pamela (Julie Gonzalo) at Southfork, she checked her phone and discovered the video that showed him having sex with Emma. Pamela told Sue Ellen and Ann (Linda Gray, Brenda Strong) about the video and was stunned to discover they already knew about the affair, so she angrily ordered them out of the room. But this was nothing compared to the reaction from Bobby (Patrick Duffy), who went ballistic when he discovered his wife had withheld the truth about John Ross and Emma’s fling. “What is it that’s so hardwired in you that you keep the most important events in your life secret from your husband?” Bobby shouted. He also told Ann that Emma was no longer welcome at Southfork. “Please tell your ex-husband he’s responsible for her safety from now on,” Bobby said.

• John Ross tangled with Judith. After Bum (Kevin Page) told John Ross that Candace (Jude Demorest) was a prostitute, John Ross realized Harris had been trying to use her to frame him. John Ross went to the brothel and told Judith (Judith Light) to call off her son. “I will do anything to protect my family,” John Ross said. As soon as he departed, Emma (Emma Bell) emerged from a secret passage in Judith’s office, where Judith warned her eavesdropping granddaughter that John Ross is only interested in Ryland Transport, not in Emma. Judith urged Emma to get revenge against her lover. “You have the pictures of John Ross with the 16-year-old — and you have the dress. Use them,” Judith said.

• Nicolas deceived Elena. Nicolas (Juan Pablo Di Pace) received a surprise visit from Drew (Kuno Becker), who asked for his help in striking back against the Ewings. Nicolas told Drew to be patient and allow his scheme with Elena to play out, but Drew didn’t want to hear it. “This is a blood feud that can only be settled with blood,” he said before running away. Nicolas called Luis (Antonio Jaramillo) and told him to find Drew before he ruined their plans. “I know I’m the one in debt, but it is the Ewing deal that puts the cartel much closer to overthrowing the Mexican government,” Nicolas said. He then went home to Elena (Jordana Brewster), who was beginning to realize her conspiracy against the Ewings was misguided. “Christopher never hurt my father. J.R. did. He’s dead,” Elena said. Nicolas assured her that they aren’t wrong to seek revenge — and when Elena wasn’t looking, he punctured holes in her diaphragm before they had sex.

• Ann and Harris grew closer. After incurring Bobby’s wrath, Ann showed up on Harris’s doorstep to let him know Emma will no longer be living at Southfork. Harris (Mitch Pileggi) and Ann reminisced about their marriage, and he told her he was sorry he let his mother come between them. Said Harris: “I loved you. I just think we never had a chance. We should never have remained in this house. Not with that woman living here. She destroys everything she ever touches. She destroyed the most important part of my life: you.” Harris then kissed Ann, but she turned and walked away — as a seething Judith watched them from an upstairs window.

• Christopher came to Heather’s rescue. After shaving off his beard, Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) told Heather (AnnaLynne McCord) he’d like to get serious with her — and then she found out Bo had taken Michael and disappeared. With help from Sheriff Derrick (Akai Draco), Bobby, Christopher and Heather found Michael (Dallas Clark) with Bo’s brother Reece (Steven Walters), who told them that Bo blames the Ewings for all his problems. “Bo’s headed back to Dallas. He’s coming for everyone at Southfork,” Reece said.

• Things got hot. While Emma summoned John Ross to a hotel room, Sue Ellen approached Pamela at Southfork and explained that she was only trying to protect her daughter-in-law from the kind of pain she suffered at J.R.’s hands. “I’m not you. I’m not a weak, sniveling drunk like you,” Pamela said. She then used her phone’s GPS capabilities to track down John Ross at the hotel, where she walked in on him and Emma, who was clad in the green corset. “Love what you’re wearing,” Pamela said before removing her raincoat and revealing that she was wearing her green corset too. To the surprise of John Ross, Emma and the audience, Pamela then said, “May I join you?” The three of them began making out — and then Pamela started convulsing. As Emma dialed 911, John Ross discovered a bottle of pills in Pamela’s coat pocket and tried furiously to revive his wife. “Wake up, baby, wake up!” he pleaded.

• … And then things got hotter. Back at the ranch, a drunk Sue Ellen slipped into John Ross and Pamela’s bedroom and knocked back some of their liquor before passing out. Outside, Bo (Donny Boaz) approached Southfork with a cigarette in his mouth; moments later, when a fire mysteriously began inside the house, Bo could be seen watching the flames sweep through a room. Finally, Bobby and Christopher arrived and raced into Southfork. Bobby called out for Sue Ellen and Ann — until part of the ceiling appeared to cave in on him and Christopher and the words “To Be Continued” flashed onto the screen.

What did you think of “Where There’s Smoke”? Share your comments below and look for Dallas Decoder’s critique later this week.

Dallas Burning Questions: Season 3, Week 8

Ann Ewing, Brenda Strong, Dallas, Linda Gray, Sue Ellen Ewing, Where There's Smoke, TNT

Hold on, darlins

Here are the questions we’re pondering as we await tonight’s telecast of “Where There’s Smoke,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode:

• How will the Southfork fire start? It’s no secret there’ll be another Ewing inferno in “Where There’s Smoke” — TNT’s promos for the episode show Southfork engulfed in flames. The question is: How does the blaze begin? There are lots of people living on the ranch these days, including Bobby and Ann (Patrick Duffy, Brenda Strong) and John Ross and Pamela (Josh Henderson, Julie Gonzalo), along with Sue Ellen (Linda Gray), Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe), Emma (Emma Bell), Elena (Jordana Brewster) and Carmen (Marlene Forte). Does one of these characters start the fire through some act of household carelessness? Or could the fire be an act of revenge by one of the many enemies who have the Ewings in their crosshairs?

• What will Pamela do? “Like a Bad Penny,” the previous episode, ended with Nicolas (Juan Pablo Di Pace) sending Pamela the video of John Ross having sex with Emma. We didn’t see Pamela receive Nicolas’s message, but TNT’s promo shows her walking in on John Ross and Emma together in bed, so the truth is going to come out, one way or another. The question is: How will Pamela respond? She has a mixed record of dealing with bad news: When Christopher dumped her at the end of Season 1, she vowed revenge and turned into a bitch-on-wheels, but when she lost her twins during Season 2, she went into an emotional tailspin. Which Pamela will we see tonight?

• Will Sue Ellen stop drinking? After Bobby and Ann sprang Sue Ellen from the sanitarium, they brought her home to Southfork, where she rankled John Ross by supporting Bobby’s decision to hire his old college buddy, banker Cal Hanna (Jonathan Adams), to shepherd Ewing Global through its initial public offering. Of course, business is probably the last thing on Sue Ellen’s mind. Her doctor warned Bobby and Ann that Sue Ellen will be “a danger to herself” if she doesn’t get her drinking under control. In that light, it’s probably worth pointing out that in the “Where There’s Smoke” publicity photo above, Sue Ellen is standing next to a liquor decanter. What, if anything, should we make of that?

• What’s up with the Rylands? Everyone and their mother are out to get the Ewings these days. In the case of the Rylands, that’s literally true: Although Harris (Mitch Pileggi) has been growing closer to Ann, he’s also been trying to frame John Ross for a sex crime with help from his bordello-running mama, Judith (Judith Light), and one of her prostitutes, Candace (Jude Demorest). But Harris’s plan suffered a setback: When he fired Candace, she blabbed about the scheme to Emma, who somehow nabbed the dress Candace was planning to use to incriminate John Ross. What’s Emma going to do with the dress? And what will Ann, Harris and Judith have to say about it?

• What’s up with the cartel? When Drew (Kuno Becker) returned to Dallas, he discovered J.R. swindled the Ramoses out of their land, vowed to make the whole Ewing family pay for J.R.’s greed and then disappeared into the night. Nicolas promised Elena he would use “every resource” at his disposal to find Drew and, true to his word, he sought help from his secret business partner: the Mexican gangster Luis (Antonio Jaramillo), who is in cahoots with Nicolas and Hunter McKay (Fran Kranz) in a secret plot to seize control of Ewing Global and use the company to launder the Mendez-Ochoa cartel’s drug money. If Luis finds Drew, what will he do with him? Also, does Nicolas’s connection to Luis mean the cartel is the Treviño benefactor that Lucia (Angélica Celaya) referred to a few episodes ago?

• What unexpected twists will occur? It’s also unclear where Christopher’s relationship with Heather (AnnaLynne McCord) is headed, especially now that we know her hard-drinking ex-husband, Bo (Donny Boaz), wants to reconcile with her. But this isn’t the only “x” factor to watch out for tonight. Entertainment Weekly’s latest issue teases “Where There’s Smoke” will include “adultery, a diaphragm sabotaged by a pin and a super-graphic threesome that would make Caligula blush.” Also, according to EW, the hour will end with “at least” four characters’ lives in danger. Who will they be? More importantly: What will we all do with ourselves until “Dallas’s” third season resumes in August?

What “Dallas Burning Questions” are on your mind? Share your comments below and watch TNT’s “Dallas” tonight.

Say What?! This Week’s Best Dallas Sound Bites

“Dallas” delivers the most delicious dialogue on television. Here are the best sound bites from “Like a Bad Penny,” this week’s episode.

Dallas, Fran Kranz, Hunter McKay, John Ross Ewing, Josh Henderson, Juan Pablo Di Pace, Like a Bad Penny, Mitch Pileggi, Nicolas Trevino, TNT

What are your favorite lines from “Like a Bad Penny”? Share them below and read more “Say What?!”

TNT’s Dallas Recap: ‘Like a Bad Penny’

Dallas, Like a Bad Penny, Linda Gray, Sue Ellen Ewing, TNT

Welcome home, darlin’

Here’s what happened in “Like a Bad Penny,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode:

• Sue Ellen came home. Bobby and Ann (Patrick Duffy, Brenda Strong) found Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) in the sanitarium and tried to talk the physician in charge, Dr. Monkia Englert (Gail Cronauer), into releasing her into their custody. Englert reluctantly agreed to let Sue Ellen leave, but warned Bobby and Ann that “she needs to get her alcoholism under control. Otherwise, she will be a danger to herself.” When John Ross (Josh Henderson) ran into his mother at the ranch, he told her he acted in her best interest by having her committed, but she didn’t want to hear it, telling him, “You only did it to help yourself.”

• John Ross gambled … and lost. The final piece in John Ross’s plan to take Ewing Global public fell into place: He went to Las Vegas to meet Sheik Sharif Ali, with whom J.R. was planning to do business before he died. John Ross hoped to ask the sheik for money to finance his initial public offering in exchange for a piece of the Arctic lease deal; unfortunately, the sheik felt insulted because John Ross didn’t come to him sooner. To smooth things over, John Ross talked his way into the sheik’s high-stakes poker game and intentionally lost it, even though he bet his wristwatch and Pamela (Julie Gonzalo) put up her emerald earrings as collateral. After the game, Pamela asked her husband why he threw it. “Sometimes the only way to win is to show the other person you’re not afraid to lose,” John Ross said.

• Or did he? Not long after Mr. and Mrs. Ewing returned to Southfork, the sheik’s son, Nasir (Pej Vahdat), arrived and told John Ross his father was impressed by the way he handled his loss in Las Vegas. Nasir returned the wristwatch and agreed to supply John Ross with the money he needed for his IPO, explaining, “When you gambled the watch, my father saw J.R. in you. You were humble enough to know you were wrong and brave enough to risk something you care deeply about to prove it.” Meanwhile, Bobby tapped banker Cal Hanna, an old college buddy, to underwrite the IPO; John Ross, not wanting to delay the Arctic deal, reluctantly agreed to go along with Bobby’s choice. Later, Cal asked Bobby, “You really think John Ross is going to come after me?” Bobby’s response: “Oh, I’m sure of it. And when he does, make him think he got you.”

• Emma uncovered Harris’s scheme. After John Ross fired Candace (Jude Demorest), he told Bum (Kevin Page) to investigate her. Perhaps John Ross should’ve hired Emma (Emma Bell) for the job instead. When Harris (Mitch Pileggi) told Candace her services were no longer required, Emma began snooping into Candace’s life and discovered Harris was trying to get Candace to frame John Ross for a sex crime. Emma got her hands on Candace’s blue dress instead and posed with it in front of her mirror, not long after Harris chastised his daughter for getting involved with John Ross. “Are you deluded enough into thinking that he’s going to leave his wife for you, or are you just content in being his little piece on the side?” Harris asked.

• Drew returned to Southfork. Drew (Kuno Becker), wracked with guilt over the Ewing rig explosion, returned to Dallas and tried to apologize to Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe), who instead took out his rage on Drew and beat him up in a parking garage. After the fight, Christopher turned to Heather (AnnaLynne McCord), which infuriated Bo (Donny Boaz), while Drew retreated to Elena’s cottage on Southfork. While there, he stumbled across their father’s old land deed and angrily confronted Elena (Jordana Brewster), asking how long she had known J.R. switched the records. Elena told Drew she and Nicolas have a plan to take down the Ewings, but Drew was too upset by the discovery that J.R. had swindled their papi. “He wasted his life on a dream that was already taken from him — and I wasted mine, hating myself for not being able to save him. Everything that’s happened is because of J.R.’s betrayal. Their greed took everything from our family,” Drew said before running into the night.

• Nicolas got down to business, part 1. Nicolas (Juan Pablo Di Pace) assured Elena he would find Drew and protect him; little did she know her lover had his own business to take care of. Nicolas had a midnight meeting with two secret partners: Hunter McKay (Fran Kranz), Carter’s grandson, who wants to take down the Ewings; and Luis (Antonio Jaramillo), the Mexican drug dealer who cut a deal with Judith at the beginning of the season. Their scheme: Hunter is setting up a series of shell corporations to buy up the Ewing Global stock when it hits the market; Luis will then use the shares to gain a controlling interest in the company. As Nicolas told Luis, “By the time the Ewings and Cliff Barnes realize what happened, you’ll be in control of the company, free to launder billions of drug profits for years to come.”

• Nicolas got down to business, part 2. Luis threatened Nicolas’s children if their arrangement doesn’t pan out, but Nicolas didn’t seem fazed and even asked the drug lord for help with his next task: finding Drew. So much for keeping his promise to Elena to protect her brother, huh? But this wasn’t the first time Nicolas betrayed Elena in this episode. After she told him she couldn’t bring herself to show Pamela the video of John Ross and Emma, Nicolas got his hands on a copy of the video and forwarded it to Pamela’s phone, which was on her nightstand as she and John Ross made love.

What did you think of “Like a Bad Penny”? Share your comments below and look for Dallas Decoder’s critique later this week.

The Dal-List: 31 Things That Happen When You Watch ‘Dallas’

Dallas, John Ross Ewing, Josh Henderson, TNT

Mr. Cool

What happens when “Dallas” fans watch the show? Here are 31 experiences we all share when we tune in to TNT on Monday nights.

1. You settle into your comfiest chair with a pint of ice cream and/or a tall glass of wine and think, “It’s ‘Dallas’ night. Life is good.”

2. The teaser scene starts. If it features Josh Henderson, you reach for something to fan yourself.

3. The theme song begins and you get chills because it’s biologically impossible to not get excited when you hear this music.

4. You see the three-way split-screen opening credits. You feel joy.

5. Before the first commercial break, someone blackmails someone else. (Note: This will happen at least six more times before the episode ends.)

6. Sex!

Dallas, Linda Gray, Sue Ellen Ewing, TNT

How does she do it?

7. Linda Gray appears and looks fantastic. You turn to the spouse/roommate/cat sitting next to you and say, “How does she manage to get more beautiful each week?”

8. The spouse/roommate/cat doesn’t make a peep because you’ve trained him/her/it to be completely silent when “Dallas” is on.

9. Is Sue Ellen blackmailing someone? Putting John Ross in his place? It doesn’t matter. Whatever she’s doing, you think, “Gray is totally crushing this scene.”

10. Someone mentions J.R. You smile and feel thankful for all the wonderful performances Larry Hagman gave us over the years.

11. Bobby (Patrick Duffy) calls John Ross “boy.” You realize you never get tired of hearing him do this.

12. Brenda Strong appears and you can’t help but wonder: Is Ann is going to shoot someone tonight?

13. Something happens in the storyline that doesn’t quite add up but you decide not to dwell on it because the rest of the show is So. Damn. Good.

14. You suddenly get a hankering for a Miller Lite. You’re not sure why.

15. You hop onto Twitter, read the cast’s tweets and feel impressed by how cool the actors are.

16. “Maybe I should buy a Microsoft Surface,” you think.

17. You notice how fantastic Jordana Brewster and Julie Gonzalo’s hair looks and wish Charles Yusko could style your hair too.

18. You see everyone’s amazing clothes and wonder if Rachel Sage Kunin would be willing to go shopping with you.

19. Nicolas appears. It occurs to you: Juan Pablo Di Pace is wearing too much clothing.

Dallas, Emma Bell, Emma Ryland, TNT

Love to hate

20. Emma (Emma Bell) does something scandalous and you love it even though you pretend to hate her.

21. Harris (Mitch Pileggi) does something mean and you love it even though you pretend to hate him.

22. Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) doesn’t smile until Heather (AnnaLynne McCord) shows up but it’s OK because it’s the best smile ever and it’s always worth the wait.

23. Fracking!

24. Also: “Heritage!” “Tradition!” “Legacy!”

25. More sex.

26. Judith Light does something nuts.

27. The episode ends with a twist. You exclaim, “How did I not see that coming?!” followed by, “How is the show over already?!”

28. Once again, your spouse/roommate/cat knows better than to answer.

29. You think, “I can’t wait to read Dallas Decoder’s critique of this episode, which will probably be posted on Wednesday unless he’s busy in which case I’ll have to wait until Thursday.”

30. TNT plays the previews for next week’s show. You look at the nearest calendar and curse it because you have to wait seven whole days for another episode.

31. The closing credits end and TNT starts replaying the episode. You grab another pint of ice cream and/or refill your wineglass and start all over.

What did I overlook? Share your comments below and read more “Dal-Lists.”

Dallas Burning Questions: Season 3, Week 7

Bryan Pitts, Dallas, Kenneisha Thompson, Like a Bad Penny, Linda Gray, Sue Ellen Ewing, TNT

Gone, darlin’, gone?

Here are the questions we’re pondering as we await tonight’s telecast of “Like a Bad Penny,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode:

• Where’s Sue Ellen? In “Like Father, Like Son,” last week’s episode, John Ross (Josh Henderson) blackmailed a judge into ordering Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) to have a mandatory psychiatric evaluation. The last time we saw our heroine, paramedics were placing her in the back of an ambulance while John Ross watched. Later, he told Bobby (Patrick Duffy), Ann (Brenda Strong) and Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) that he was forced to call the police after having a huge fight with his mother. “What have you done, John Ross?” Bobby asked. Good question, Uncle Bobby, but a better one is this: Where is Sue Ellen, and will she get the help she needs?

• Will John Ross take Ewing Global public? John Ross and Sue Ellen’s fight began after she voted against his proposal to take Ewing Global public, an idea given to him by his childhood friend Hunter McKay (Fran Kranz). John Ross pitched the idea to the Ewing Global co-owners as a way to raise money for their Arctic drilling venture; Pamela and Nicolas (Julie Gonzalo, Juan Pablo Di Pace) supported John Ross, but Bobby and Christopher accused him of wanting to put everyone’s shares in play so he can buy up the controlling interest for himself. With Sue Ellen incapacitated, John Ross has control of her piece of the company, which means his plans for an “initial public offering” are probably back on. Will he succeed?

• Will Elena bust John Ross? To get Nicolas’s support for an IPO, John Ross offered him a 3 percent royalty on all oil produced by the Arctic leases. Nicolas agreed, but he had another plan in mind: He told Elena (Jordana Brewster) he was going to take control of the company before John Ross could. She told Nicolas he was playing “a dangerous game” and set off on her own scheme, hiring private eye Jasper (Cynthia Addai-Robinson) to follow John Ross and determine if he’s cheating. Elena’s plan worked all too well: With Jasper’s help, she watched surveillance video that showed John Ross having sex with Emma (Emma Bell). Will Elena tell Pamela what she saw?

• Will Bobby make Nicolas’s life miserable? After Bobby gave Christopher control of his Ewing Global shares, he settled into his new job as one of the state’s powerful railroad commissioners. First order of business: abusing his office. Bobby had a run-in with Nicolas and suggested he was going to use his newly obtained political muscle to put the squeeze on Treviño Industries’ Texas holdings. Nicolas wasn’t fazed, telling Bobby, “Take your best shot, Mr. Ewing.” Will Nicolas feel so cocky once he’s messed with badass Bobby?

• Will Christopher keep smiling? Ever since Heather (AnnaLynne McCord) entered his life, Christopher has been uncharacteristically chipper. In “Like Father, Like Son,” he even seemed to enjoy babysitting Heather’s son Michael (Dallas Clark) when Bo (Donny Boaz) left her in a childcare lurch. The good vibrations seem destined to end, especially since Drew (Kuno Becker) will appear in tonight’s episode. What will happen when Christopher sees him again?

• What’s next for Harris? Although Harris (Mitch Pileggi) didn’t appear in “Like Father, Like Son” (boo!), we saw Candace (Jude Demorest) receive a text from him, demanding to know why she hadn’t succeeded in seducing John Ross. The message prompted Candace to slip into the blue dress Harris gave her and try to seduce John Ross, but he rejected her, saying, “Look, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but you’ve got to start taking ‘no’ for an answer. I’m a married man. I’m sorry, but it ain’t ever going to happen.” Will Harris give up? If so, will Judith (Judith Light) let him?

What “Dallas Burning Questions” are on your mind? Share your comments below and watch TNT’s “Dallas” tonight.

Dallas Burning Questions: Season 3, Week 6

Dallas, Emma Bell, Emma Ryland, Like Father Like Son, TNT

In control?

Here are the questions we’re pondering as we await tonight’s telecast of “Like Father, Like Son,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode:

• How will John Ross strike back against Sue Ellen and Bobby? In “D.T.R.,” last week’s episode, Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) blackmailed Governor McConaughey (Steven Weber) into replacing the corrupt railroad commissioner Stanley Babcock (Currie Graham) with a new appointee: Bobby (Patrick Duffy), who now has the power to revoke John Ross’s Southfork drilling permit. John Ross (Josh Henderson) was furious and vowed to “blow right past” any roadblock Bobby puts in his way. John Ross, realizing Sue Ellen’s role in putting Bobby on the commission, also left his mother a nasty voice mail message, saying, “Now I know I’ve got another enemy I’ve got to look out for. I ain’t going to forget this.” What will John Ross do?

• When will the Rylands strike back against John Ross? Emma (Emma Bell) used incriminating evidence from Harris’s files to blackmail Judith (Judith Light) into giving John Ross access to the Ryland ships for his Arctic drilling venture. Judith wasn’t happy and expressed her frustration to Harris (Mitch Pileggi), telling him it’s time to break up John Ross and Emma. Harris assured his mother that Candace (Jude Demorest), the prostitute posing as John Ross’s secretary, is still laying the groundwork to frame John Ross for a sex crime. Will this be the week Candace puts her plan in motion?

• What’s next for Emma — and her parents? When Ann (Brenda Strong) saw John Ross coming out of Emma’s bedroom, she got into a fight with Emma and kicked her off Southfork. Ann immediately regretted the decision and turned to Harris, who blackmailed CIA agent George Tatangelo (Gino Anthony Pesi) into giving his family extra protection. Eventually, Emma came home and assured Ann she had stopped seeing John Ross, but Ann told Harris she isn’t sure if she believes their daughter. How long can Emma continue to deceive Ann — and will Ann and Harris continue to soften toward each other?

• What will Elena and Nicolas do with their clue? After Cliff (Ken Kercheval) called Pamela (Julie Gonzalo) and failed to mend fences with her, he urged Elena and Nicolas (Jordana Brewster, Juan Pablo Di Pace) to turn his daughter against John Ross. Meanwhile, Nicolas examined J.R.’s autopsy photos and noticed an unusual incision on his chest. Could this be a sign J.R. was receiving chemotherapy before he died, and if so, will Elena and Nicolas finally figure out he arranged his own “murder” and framed Cliff for the crime?

• What’s next for Christopher and Heather? As Christopher and Heather (Jesse Metcalfe, AnnaLynne McCord) grew closer, he learned her secret: She was once married to ranch-hand-turned-roughneck Bo (Donny Boaz) and the two of them have a young son, Michael. Christopher and the boy bonded over their mutual love of Transformers, but Bo didn’t seem very enthused about the idea that his ex-wife is dating a Ewing. Will he cause trouble for Christopher and Heather?

What “Dallas Burning Questions” are on your mind? Share your comments below and watch TNT’s “Dallas” tonight.

TNT’s Dallas Recap: ‘D.T.R.’

Bobby Ewing, Dallas, D.T.R., Linda Gray, Patrick Duffy, Sue Ellen Ewing, TNT

Ewings united

Here’s what happened in “D.T.R.,” TNT’s latest “Dallas” episode:

• Sue Ellen struck back (part 1): Sue Ellen (Linda Gray) visited Governor McConaughey (Steven Weber) and gave him a bottle of J.R. Ewing Bourbon, hoping it would persuade him to replace Stanley Babcock, the corrupt railroad commissioner, with an appointee who would agree to revoke John Ross’s Southfork drilling permit. Of course, the wily McConaughey was in no mood to grant Sue Ellen a favor and rejected her suggestion. Dumb move, governor: It turned out Sue Ellen had bugged the bottle, which allowed her and Bobby (Patrick Duffy) to eavesdrop on McConaughey’s conversations — including one with Babcock (Currie Graham), who promised to illegally funnel money to the governor’s 2016 presidential campaign. “The bug in the bourbon cork. I think J.R. would see the humor in that,” Bobby said.

• Sue Ellen struck back (part 2). After John Ross and Pamela (Josh Henderson, Julie Gonzalo) returned from their honeymoon, Sue Ellen told her son to stop cheating on his wife, but he paid Sue Ellen no heed. “This is all about you wanting to punish J.R. for the way he treated you. Well, guess what, Mama? I’m not J.R.,” John Ross said. Dumb move, junior: Once Sue Ellen played McConaughey her recording of his conversation, he agreed to replace Babcock with a new railroad commissioner — Bobby. (Said the governor upon discovering Sue Ellen’s scheme: “This is why politicians should never accept gifts — especially gifts with J.R.’s name on them.”) Sue Ellen let her son know she was behind the appointment when she sent him a text message that read, “I couldn’t look the other way.” He responded in kind, leaving her a nasty voice mail message in which he shouted, “Now I know I’ve got another enemy I’ve got to look out for. I ain’t going to forget this.”

• Emma gained the upper hand against Judith. John Ross returned from his honeymoon with a gift for his mistress: a necklace, which he gave to Emma (Emma Bell) during one of their clandestine meetings in her bedroom. When Ann (Brenda Strong) saw the jewelry, she and Emma got into a fight and Ann kicked her off the ranch. But Emma wasn’t down for long: She told Judith (Judith Light) she knows all about her prostitution business and used the information to blackmail Grandma into agreeing to give John Ross control of Ryland’s ships for his Arctic drilling venture. After Judith gave her granddaughter some advice (“Never let a man screw you for nothing”), Emma told John Ross she wants a piece of the “Arctic play,” but that’s probably the least of his worries: Judith, fuming over being blackmailed, let Harris know she was frustrated with the slow pace of his scheme to frame John Ross for a sex crime. “How hard is it to get that Ewing boy to drop his pants?” Judith asked.

• Harris gained the upper hand against the CIA. After Ann told Harris that Emma left the ranch, he worried for his daughter’s safety and told CIA agent George Tatangelo (Gino Anthony Pesi) that he wanted out of the agency’s sting operation against the Mendez-Ochoa drug cartel. Tatangelo told Harris it was too late to walk away (“You bought the ticket. You take the ride.”), so Harris threatened to expose expose the illegal “black ops” operations Tantangelo has been conducting on the side. “If you won’t stop the ride, the least you can do is re-route some of those resources and get my family a little extra protection,” Harris said. Meanwhile, Harris and Ann continued to soften toward each other during their search for Emma, who eventually came home to Southfork and told Ann she would stop seeing John Ross — a promise Emma had no intention of keeping.

• Elena and Nicolas got a clue. Pamela was unsettled to see Candace (Jude Demorest) flirting with John Ross, but that was nothing compared to the distressing phone call she received from Cliff (Ken Kercheval), who tried unsuccessfully to mend fences with her. Cliff realized his daughter believes he really did kill J.R., and so he huddled with Elena and Nicolas (Jordana Brewster, Juan Pablo Di Pace) and urged them to tell Pamela the truth. “Turn her against John Ross and she will help you get your justice … and mine,” Cliff said. He also warned Elena to keep an eye on Nicolas. Meanwhile, Nicolas persuaded Peter Bedford (Todd Terry), the state’s attorney whom J.R. once blackmailed, into showing him and Elena the files from the Mexican police’s investigation into J.R.’s murder. While examining the autopsy photos, Nicolas noticed an unusual incision on J.R.’s body.

• Christopher grew closer to Heather — and clashed with John Ross. Christopher and Heather (Jesse Metcalfe, AnnaLynne McCord) grew closer, and he learned her secret: She was once married to Bo (Donny Boaz) and the two of them have a young son, Michael. Christopher and the boy bonded over Transformers when they met, but Bo made it clear he doesn’t think much of Christopher. Or maybe Bo was just stressed because John Ross, his boss at the Southfork drilling site, has been riding the crew so hard. Buckle up, Bo, because things aren’t going to get any easier: After John Ross found out about Bobby’s new position on the railroad commission, he vowed to keep fighting until he taps the oil under the ranch. As John Ross told Bobby and Christopher, “You want to build a roadblock between me and drilling Southfork? Go ahead. If I’m as bad as my father ever was, then I’ll blow right past it.”

What did you think of “D.T.R.”? Share your comments below and look for Dallas Decoder’s critique later this week.