
Mr. Cool
What happens when “Dallas” fans watch the show? Here are 31 experiences we all share when we tune in to TNT on Monday nights.
1. You settle into your comfiest chair with a pint of ice cream and/or a tall glass of wine and think, “It’s ‘Dallas’ night. Life is good.”
2. The teaser scene starts. If it features Josh Henderson, you reach for something to fan yourself.
3. The theme song begins and you get chills because it’s biologically impossible to not get excited when you hear this music.
4. You see the three-way split-screen opening credits. You feel joy.
5. Before the first commercial break, someone blackmails someone else. (Note: This will happen at least six more times before the episode ends.)
6. Sex!

How does she do it?
7. Linda Gray appears and looks fantastic. You turn to the spouse/roommate/cat sitting next to you and say, “How does she manage to get more beautiful each week?”
8. The spouse/roommate/cat doesn’t make a peep because you’ve trained him/her/it to be completely silent when “Dallas” is on.
9. Is Sue Ellen blackmailing someone? Putting John Ross in his place? It doesn’t matter. Whatever she’s doing, you think, “Gray is totally crushing this scene.”
10. Someone mentions J.R. You smile and feel thankful for all the wonderful performances Larry Hagman gave us over the years.
11. Bobby (Patrick Duffy) calls John Ross “boy.” You realize you never get tired of hearing him do this.
12. Brenda Strong appears and you can’t help but wonder: Is Ann is going to shoot someone tonight?
13. Something happens in the storyline that doesn’t quite add up but you decide not to dwell on it because the rest of the show is So. Damn. Good.
14. You suddenly get a hankering for a Miller Lite. You’re not sure why.
15. You hop onto Twitter, read the cast’s tweets and feel impressed by how cool the actors are.
16. “Maybe I should buy a Microsoft Surface,” you think.
17. You notice how fantastic Jordana Brewster and Julie Gonzalo’s hair looks and wish Charles Yusko could style your hair too.
18. You see everyone’s amazing clothes and wonder if Rachel Sage Kunin would be willing to go shopping with you.
19. Nicolas appears. It occurs to you: Juan Pablo Di Pace is wearing too much clothing.

Love to hate
20. Emma (Emma Bell) does something scandalous and you love it even though you pretend to hate her.
21. Harris (Mitch Pileggi) does something mean and you love it even though you pretend to hate him.
22. Christopher (Jesse Metcalfe) doesn’t smile until Heather (AnnaLynne McCord) shows up but it’s OK because it’s the best smile ever and it’s always worth the wait.
23. Fracking!
24. Also: “Heritage!” “Tradition!” “Legacy!”
25. More sex.
26. Judith Light does something nuts.
27. The episode ends with a twist. You exclaim, “How did I not see that coming?!” followed by, “How is the show over already?!”
28. Once again, your spouse/roommate/cat knows better than to answer.
29. You think, “I can’t wait to read Dallas Decoder’s critique of this episode, which will probably be posted on Wednesday unless he’s busy in which case I’ll have to wait until Thursday.”
30. TNT plays the previews for next week’s show. You look at the nearest calendar and curse it because you have to wait seven whole days for another episode.
31. The closing credits end and TNT starts replaying the episode. You grab another pint of ice cream and/or refill your wineglass and start all over.
What did I overlook? Share your comments below and read more “Dal-Lists.”

















